


it's you, jisung pwark

by ultraviolentae



Series: the growing up chronicles [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Denial of Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Growing Up Together, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda?, M/M, Nightmares, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Self-Discovery, swimming AU but not really centered on it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-05-15 00:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 42,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14780483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultraviolentae/pseuds/ultraviolentae
Summary: "Because it’s you, Jisung Pwark, and it’ll always be you."“It’s Park, you idiot."





	1. plant it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i had two major issues while writing this:
> 
> 1- how the heck do 10 year olds even talk?  
> 2- how can i make chenle's korean obviously broken but not exaggerated? 
> 
> and tbh idk how good of a job i did but you can always call me out on things so i improve,, enjoy?

**C** henle knew he was gay. It was a fact he had grown up with, just like the fact that he had two eyes and two arms. So it didn't strike him as odd the way his heart palpitated the first time he saw Jisung Park. After all the boy was pretty, one of the prettiest boys he'd ever lay his eyes on, but that had been about it. He could've never guessed that the tiny seed from then would slowly grow to spreads its roots and take over his life.

 

 

It was a Friday, Chenle still remembers that insignificant detail for whatever reason. He was watching television without actually understanding anything the cartoons said when his name echoed inside the house. He searches for the woman, who was now to become his second mother, and finds her near the door with a big grin on her face. “Come here, sweetie.” Chenle wastes no time in jumping from the sofa to the floor, his mother had begged for him to follow orders and be a good kid, he didn’t want to disappoint her.

He takes small steps towards the door, the short distance between the living room and the front door seemed terribly long in his memory. “Yes, ma’am?” The little boy says while looking up at her curiously.

She drifts her eyes from him towards the front door, Chenle follows suit and their gazes lock instantly. He stares and, now that Chenle thinks about it, he had stared for far too long for it to be socially accepted. But he was a kid, none of that matters when you’re a kid. He was curious, hypnotized even, by the boy standing a few meters ahead.

“Say hello to the neighbours!” The woman demands softly and reminds him how to say Hello in Korean since he had obviously forgotten already.

“He’s so adorable.” An unknown female voice sounds and he looks away from the boy to the other woman. It was obvious who she was, the boy was almost like a small replica of her. “Will he stay here for long?”

“Until he’s eighteen!” Mrs. Wong says enthusiastically while petting Chenle’s dark locks lovingly. “Come in! Would you like tea? Coffee?”

The next thing he knows they’re alone in the living room while the two women converse in the kitchen. The boy blinks back at him and Chenle can’t help the smile that spreads across his face at how adorable the other was, he reminded him of a little chick. Chenle wanted to ask for his name, but just as he was about to speak, remembers that he had no clue how to in Korean. He then decides to gets up and runs towards the kitchen to find Mrs. Wong.

She looks down with a gentle expression waiting for Chenle to speak. “How do you ask for someone’s name?!” He pouts.

The woman chuckles, places her cup on the table and gets up without uttering a single word. Chenle follows behind with a puzzled look and watches as she comes closer to the stranger sitting on the sofa. She speaks something that he couldn’t understand to the boy who nods right away. “Come, he’ll teach you it!”

Chenle thanks her as she walks past him to go back inside the kitchen and heads towards the baby chick looking boy. “Jisung.” He blurts out and points at himself. “Your name?” Jisung asks, slowly, punctuating every syllable.

He copies what the other had said and smiles brightly when Jisung starts clapping. “Chenle!”

“Chenle.” Jisung copies softly and nods. “Okay!”

There is a long pause. Chenle had gone back to admiring the pretty details on Jisung's face, he finds himself not being able to take his eyes off the boy’s elegant pointy nose. Jisung giggles when Chenle reaches out to poke it and then pokes his own, frowning when he realises his wasn’t as elegant as the boy’s.

Jisung, noticing the little pout that had formed on the other’s lips, shakes his head. “No! Cute!” He tries his best to speak with monosyllables, which proved to be easier than he was expecting at first. “Stop.”

Chenle sighs loudly and moves closer so he could touch Jisung more easily. The boy flinches at the contact at first, but soon gets used to Chenle’s roaming hands touching the details on his face and even giggles time to time.

When the boy finally gets bored of analysing the stranger, the room falls into yet another calm silence. Both boy’s blink at each other until Jisung finally decides to speak up. “Friends?” Chenle tilts his head in confusion. “Me.” He points at himself. “Jisung.” Chenle nods. “You, Chenle.” Another nod. “Friends?” Jisung grabs Chenle’s hands and intertwines their fingers.

Chenle glares at the other for a few seconds in confusion. Date? He quirks his eyebrow and comes closer to Jisung so he can place a quick kiss on the boy’s cheek. “Friends?!” He repeats the word Jisung had said previously.

Jisung looks at him with shock, mouth gaping like a fish in surprise. “N-No.” He shakes his head and huffs. “Friends!” He jumps on top of Chenle knocking him onto the floor and starts tickling the boy who giggles loudly.

“Aahh!” Chenle nods in-between giggles. “Friends!” He successfully pushes Jisung off him and switches position so that he was on top. “Karma.” Is all he says before starting to torture the boy with his own medicine.

 

 

 

The unknown book lay on top of his desk, Chenle tilts his head in confusion before looking up at Mrs. Wong who smiles back at him. “It’s for you!” She explains excitedly and slightly pushes him forwards so he could pick he book. “It may not interest you much at first glance, but I promise you it is very interesting."

 **The Secrets of Growing Up**  it read in the front cover in English. Chenle glances at the women once more. “Why?”

“What do you mean why? You’re almost nine, I think it’s a very good time for you to start understanding these things.” The woman puts her hand on his shoulder and squeezes it slightly. “Your mom and I believe this is best for you! And it’s in English too, you can improve your skills with these!”

Chenle stares at the hard cover, it was pretty plain apart from a little cartoon character in the corner and the title. He thanks her quietly before turning the page and curiously scanning through the book, it was colourful and filled with graphs as well as drawings. The boy doesn’t even notice Mrs. Wong leave, too engrossed in the book. He had gone back to the beginning and slowly started trying to understand what it all said.

It was all in English which made it slightly more complicated, but Chenle had picked one of the dictionaries his mom had given him a long time ago so he could translate the hard words. Bit by bit, he managed to finish the book by the time he was called out for dinner.

He skips down the stairs happily. Indeed the book was fun, Chenle was ready to ask for more. “What are you so happy about?” Yukhei asks while ruffling the boy’s hair lovingly. “Look at that big smile!”

Chenle giggles and holds up the book in front of who he considered to be his brother. “Mom bought this! It’s so fun!”

Yukhei chuckles and grabs the book to look at it better, he opens in a random page to quickly see what it was about. “Ahh, she bought this for me too when I was smaller.” He smiles faintly with nostalgia. “These are new, though.”

Mrs. Wong snatches the book out of her son’s hands. “It’s because yours are outdated.” She snorts and gives it back to Chenle who hugs it right away. “You like it?”

“Yes! Is there more?!” The boy smiles brightly when the woman nods. “Where?! Where?!”

“I’ll give you after we eat.” She pushes Yukhei out of the couch. “But you shouldn’t skip through the pages too fast, Le. Did you understand everything? Want me to explain?”

Chenle shakes his head. “I didn’t go too fast, I promise!”

The woman bends down to plant a loud smooch on the boy’s chubby cheek before leading them to the kitchen. “I’m glad you liked it. You’re a smart boy.” She praises making Chenle smile even wider and let out a soft giggle. “I hope you never change.”

 

 

 

When Jisung comes over again, Chenle wastes no time in showing his new book collection. Jisung watches with amazement as his friend tried his best to explain why humans have hair in his semi broken Korean. His eyes sparkled with excitement as if Chenle had just solved the secrets of the universe. “That’s so cool!” He grabs the closest book he could find. “Can I take it?”

Chenle nods enthusiastically. “Yes!”

It had been basically a year since Chenle had first come to Korea, he had spent every day learning the new language non-stop, his determination had surely paid off because he could already have proper conversations with Jisung. His grammar wasn’t the best, Jisung would often stop him to explain why what he said was wrong, but it was getting better quickly. Mrs. Wong would often compliment him for it and show him off to other mothers, Chenle surely didn’t mind the shower of praises he’d receive every time.

“How are your parents?” Jisung asks while skipping through the pages of the book.

“I doesn't know, they very busy.” Chenle pouts. “Mother calls me sometimes.”

His friend frowns. “Do you miss them?”

Chenle nods sadly and then shrugs. “It is ok, I like it here!” He pokes his friend's nose who giggles at the action. “Here have Jisung!”

 

 

 

“What are you selling here?” Chenle hears behind him and flinches.

He smiles brightly when he finds Jisung standing in front of him. “Yukhei’s old toy, I don't like them. So.” Chenle picks one of the miniature figures and scrunches up his nose. “Ugly.”

Jisung cackles while eyeing the display. “Wanna see mine?”

Chenle nods enthusiastically and follows behind Jisung to the house parallel to his, there stood Jisung’s mother smiling brightly while watching them approach her. “Oh! Pretty.” The boy points at a jar decorated with a flowery design. “How much?”

“Oh no sweetheart you can have it free if you want!” The woman grabs it holds it out in Chenle’s direction.

“Free? I should not.” He pouts while shaking his head.

Jisung groans in frustration and grabs the jar without any care. “Take it! Don’t make a fuss!” He hisses while shoving the object onto his friend’s hands, Chenle has no choice but to accept the offer.

“Sungie don’t be so rude!” Mrs. Park reprimands with a forced smile. “Anyways, Chenle sweetie if you’d like anything else you can have it for free. Don’t be shy!”

“Oh, no. No this good.” The boy smiles and proceeds to admire the object. “Thank you very.”

Jisung puts his arm around Chenle’s shoulder and waves his mother goodbye, the last thing he wanted was to spend the whole afternoon helping his mother. Plus, he knew how talkative Chenle could get and didn’t feel like risking having to deal with those two chatting away for hours. “I got cash! If you want anything-”

“No more!”

“Oh c’mon, I don’t mind.” Jisung hits his head lightly against Chenle’s playfully. “Mom said I can waste it all, maybe we can buy food?”

“Food?!” Chenle perks up. “Yes, food yes.”

 

They sit by the sidewalk, ice cream in their hands as they look ahead at the rest of the people chatting. “You'll be going to middle school soon” Jisung blurts out

Chenle turns his head to look at him while licking the ice cream in the corners of his mouth, his mother had always said he was a lousy eater. “What is that?”

“You're almost ten, you won't be in primary like me.”

“Ah! New school, you mean?” Chenle nods. “Miss Wong tell me about it.”

Jisung hums. “Excited?”

“Meet new people yes. You join me too, right?”

His friend chuckles before giving his ice cream another lick. “Later, in one year I will be there too.”

Chenle presses his cheek against the taller boy's bicep. “I wait for you then.” He giggles and then goes back to eating his ice cream before it melted away.

 

 

 

The sun was starting to hide behind the row of houses but neither of the boys seemed to pay much attention to that too concentrated in their little game. Jisung had bought two remote controlled cars during the house sale a few weeks back and since then neither had seemed to want to do anything else but play with them. They had left their houses just after lunch time and spent the whole evening doing car races in the sidewalk nearby their houses, as per usual.

“Fuck!” Jisung blurts out when Chenle’s toy car makes his tumble down.

“Fuck?” His friend repeats with a puzzled look, he follows Jisung with his eyes waiting for an explanation of what that unfamiliar word meant. He could’ve sworn he had never heard it before in his life.

The boy comes back with his car in his hand and massages his nape awkwardly. “Uh, nothing. Don’t say that word.” Jisung tries to brush the topic off but Chenle was having none of it that time around.

“If you say it, why can’t I?” Chenle huffs, brows knitting together in frustration and annoyance at the other’s secrecy.

“It’s a bad word! You shouldn’t say it!”

“But you say it!”

Jisung groans. “I said it once!”

Chenle gives the other a death stare and moves closer. “Fuck.” He squeaks out just to piss his friend off. “Fuck! Fuck, fuck fuck!” Chenle repeats over and over louder each time until Jisung slams his hand on top of his friend’s mouth scared someone would hear them.

“You’re such an ass.” He grumbles and flinches when he feels Chenle’s tongue touch the palm of his hand. “What was that for?!”

“I am not kid, Sung.” The boy says with a dead serious expression. “My Korean is broken, but I am not kid.”

The other feels paralyzed for a few seconds, he had not noticed Chenle felt that way until then. “Lele.” He whispers after his brain finally unfreezes. “I’m not trying to baby you.”

“But you are.” Chenle’s face was stone cold, it made Jisung feel somewhat scared of the other. Which was a first since the boy always looked like he exhaled rainbows and cotton candy. “If I know what words mean, then I not use. So not hide.” Jisung finds himself unable to utter a single word. “Do not be sad.”

“Sorry.” The boy pouts and looks downs at the floor. “I didn’t know.”

“It okay! Really.” Chenle pinches the boy’s cheeks. “Game again?”

Jisung chuckles. “Yes, let’s go back to playing.”

 

 

 

As time went by, Jisung started to come over more often on his own unlike the beginning where they’d only meet by chance or whenever Mrs. Parker came over. “Sung!” Chenle yells from his balcony, the other boy looks up at him from his garden and waves. He looks at the road to make sure no car was coming before crossing the street towards the house just ahead. “Want to play?”

Jisung looks back at his house and then shrugs. “I don’t see why not!”

“Wait second then.” Chenle giggles happily, his eyes turn into a thin line at how bright his smile was.

He shows up at the front door a few minutes later with a new pair of pants that was more appropriate for going out. Mrs. Wong kisses his forehead and pats his back before closing the door behind him leaving the two alone by themselves to do as they pleased. Well, sort of.

“Where to?”

“The park! I hear they add new…” Chenle furrows his eyebrows. “Toys?”

Jisung cracks a tiny smile to show he understood what his friend meant. “Alright, sounds good let’s go.”

The weather was starting to become colder but Chenle still insisted on wearing t-shirts even if he started shaking not even five minutes after they had started walking. Jisung rolls his eyes when he hears Chenle hiss but, when he turns his head to look at his friend and sees him rubbing his arms to warm himself up, pity takes over the annoyance.

“Do you want my jacket?” He sighs.

Chenle shakes his head and shoots him a reassuring smile. “It is okay.”

Jisung doesn’t try again, partly because he in fact wanted to keep his jacket but also because he knew how stubborn Chenle could get. Also, he wasn’t sure if that counted as him babying his friend so it was best to not push it whenever Chenle said no. At least he thought so.

They reach the park and the smaller wastes no time in running towards the new slide, Jisung follows suit right away. “It is so pretty.” Chenle says, mesmerized, as if he wasn’t talking about a simple slide. Jisung snorts earning a glare from the other. “It is!”

“Let’s test it.”

The evening goes by fast, it always did whenever they hung together. It was even better because the park was nearly deserted due to the chilly weather, not many moms wanted their kids out when there was a big chance they’d get a cold. The Wongs didn’t care, they had told Chenle they preferred the boy to get sick and learn his lesson than keep him inside and baby him too hard. He learnt quickly that the family praised selflessness over anything, and honestly he was happy to be raised in that way.

Sadly not everyone was like that and their fun comes to an end when Mrs. Park’s scream sounds in the distance. Jisung stops in his tracks and tenses right away. “Where have you been? You left without saying anything do you think that’s correct?” She yells.

Chenle could feel his friend’s body shake with fear next to him and so he holds the boy's hand behind his back to try and comfort him. It sort of helps but then the woman snatches him away by the wrist making sure to give Chenle a dirty look before turning to her son and yelling once more.

“You’re grounded, and if you do that again I will make sure you won’t leave that house unless it’s for school. Understood?”

Jisung nods weakly and diverts his eyes from the floor towards Chenle just as she pushes him away. Chenle waves him off with a pitiful look. It made him sad whenever he’d see how Mrs. Park controlled Jisung, the boy had done wrong by not telling her beforehand but that hadn’t been the first time his friend had been dragged away from him for being too carefree. His heart ached.

 

 

 

“I don’t like Mrs. Park.” Chenle blurts out hours before the woman was supposed to come visit. “I don’t think she likes me much either.”

Mr. Wong chuckles lowly and ruffles the boy’s hair. “We don’t like her all that much too, kid. But we have to be polite!”

“I am! I’m just saying…”

“And why don’t you like her?” Mrs. Wong stops steering the pot and hands over the wooden spoon to her husband so he’d keep doing the job. “Any specific reason?”

“Strict! She’s too strict! And conservative!” Chenle huffs. “Remember when she said gays were disgusting? I hate her.”

“Slow down you went from dislike to hate too quickly there buddy.” The woman pats Chenle’s nape lovingly and places him on her lap. “Her views are different, it annoys me too but I don’t bother to fight with her when it’s pointless. I just hope Jisung doesn’t have the same ideals.”

Chenle rubs his chin comically. “I don’t think so… I hope not.” He frowns. “I never thought about that, now I’m curious.”

“Jisung is still young, you can influence him baby!” Mrs. Wong cheers and pinches the boy’s cheek. “I know he likes you a lot, he’ll hear you out even if he doesn’t agree.”

 

Dinner goes by slowly, boredom flowed inside Chenle’s veins while he heard the adults talk for almost a whole hour non-stop. Jisung was being his usual quiet self next to the adults which didn’t help him find something to entertain himself with since the other clearly wasn’t reciprocating his attempts to play footsie. Mrs. Park had probably told him to behave properly before they had showed up, it seemed like something she’d do.

When Mrs. Wong finally excuses them, Chenle wastes no time in pulling Jisung all the way to his room. “So glad that is over. God!” The boy grunts as soon as the door is closed.

Jisung awkwardly waddles towards the boy’s bed and sits on it while admiring the familiar room as if Chenle had renovated it, which he clearly hadn’t. Same white walls, same toys, same desk, same everything. “What should we play?” Jisung asks quietly.

Chenle frowns, the boy would usually loosen up whenever they were alone so it made no sense that he was acting the way he was. “Something wrong?” He asks and closes the window, spring would soon come but the weather was still just as chilly as ever. “You are… very quiet.”

The other looks at him wide eyed as if he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t. Everything felt odd and Chenle absolutely hated it. “I? Nothing, I’m fine?”

“You are not!”

“Lele.” He pouts and flops onto the bed. “Mom just keeps getting worse.”

Chenle could feel his blood start to boil. “How?”

“Can I do this? No. Can you buy me this? No.” Jisung stomps his feet on the floor. “It’s no, no, no! Can I breathe? No!”

The boy comes closer and sits next to where Jisung lay, he turns to him cross legged and starts twirling his friend’s locks with his index finger. “I do not like your mom, you know?” Jisung nods while chuckling weakly. “She is mean.”

“I know.”

Silence falls inside the room. Chenle battled with himself over letting himself say the words begging to come out of his mouth, he didn’t really have much to lose. He knew Jisung enough to know it couldn’t possibly damage their friendship. “I am gay, Jisung. You know?”

Jisung’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. “I thought you were Chinese.”

“What.” Chenle mirrors the boy’s expression. “I am, what about that?”

“You just said you’re gay.”

“And?”

The younger blinks back at him. “Where are gays from?”

Chenle lets out a loud laugh and throws his head back, Jisung could only stare at his friend with a puzzled look until he finally calmed down. “Jisung, I like boys!”

“Ah.” He snorts and then stops. “So homosexual?”

“Yes!”

Yet again, silence fills the room but this time Chenle feels nervous over the sudden confession. And really, he knew he probably was too young, but Mrs. Wong had said it was normal to just know, even if he was merely eleven.

“I don’t know how to feel about that.” Jisung finally admits and sits upright again, Chenle eyes the boy’s back anxiously. “Mother says it’s wrong but I don’t know, I don’t feel like that way I think. But she makes good points about it… Y’know?” He doesn’t turn to face Chenle, instead looks down at his feet. “But you’re normal, you’re not like the people she describes.”

The boy ponders if he should reach out for his friend, but the sudden self-consciousness that had taken over him forces him to stay put. “I am normal. Gays are normal.”

“Maybe so.” Jisung shrugs. “Can we not talk about this? My head hurts.” He whispers. “Can we play UNO? I love UNO.”

Chenle chuckles and stands up to go search for the cards. “Of course yes. Whatever you like.”

 

 

 

Yukhei groans when the bell echoes inside the house, his parents weren’t home so he couldn’t nag them to do it for him. He wiggles his body to shake Chenle awake, the boy makes a frustrated noise and shakes his head against the other’s chest. “Le, I gotta go to the door.”

Chenle sighs and flop down the couch with a loud thump. “Ow.” He cries out in pain and massages his back.

“Idiot.” Yukhei mumbles while heading towards the door.

Jisung stands at the entrance with a soft smile on his face. “Hello!” He greets and steps inside before Yukhei could utter a single word. “Lele! I got a new game!”

The sound of steps sounds and then Chenle appears from what seemed to be the shadows with an excited look on his face. “Game!? Show.” The boy looks at over Jisung’s body to try and find the game Jisung spoke about, he grabs his friend’s forearm to force him to stop hiding it behind his back making the other giggle loudly.

“Can I join you guys today? I’m bored.” Yukhei asks while sipping on the can of soda he had just gotten, he asks Chenle if he wants one as well without even opening his mouth and the boy shakes his head.

“What was that?” Jisung looks between them and furrows his eyebrows with pure confusion.

“He ask me if I want one, so I say no.”

“How-“ The boy makes strangled noises in the back of his throat unable of forming a proper sentence.

Yukhei pats his back. “It’s called spending too much time around each other, and having the ability of reading people well.” He crouches down slightly and whispers right next to Jisung’s ear. “Maybe one day you’ll grow that ability as well.”

Jisung looks at him even more puzzled than before, he wanted to ask what exactly that had been for. Chenle looks at Yukhei as if asking him what he had said to Jisung but the older just shrugs him off and walks towards the living room. “So?”

“Nothing.” Jisung squeaks out nervously, he wasn’t sure why he had decided to keep it to himself though. Something inside of him told him that was the right thing to do. “Let’s go, I really want to try this game out.”

Chenle huffs but doesn’t bother whining about it.

 

An ugly feeling grows inside of Jisung as he watches Chenle pamper Yukhei after the boy had won, he couldn’t quite understand what he was saying but the tone of voice he kept using was a dead giveaway. He felt angry, he couldn’t get why, the most reasonable reason was because he had lost the game even if he had tried very hard to win. Sometimes he’d let Chenle win just so the boy felt happy, but that time around he had actually been trying his best and yet he had lost miserably.

“Sungie.” Chenle pats the boy’s knee after Jisung stays quiet for longer than usual, he pouts when his friend only hums in response. “Mad?”

“Not at all.”

“He sure is.” Yukhei blurts out in Mandarin, Jisung shoots him a puzzled look to which the other replies with a fake smile. “Kids.”

Chenle hits Yukhei’s shoulder and then goes back to paying attention to his friend who played around with the controller. “Jisung, look on me.”

“At.” He corrects earning a glare from the older. “I’m just saying.”

“Okay, asshole.”

“That you know how to say, uh?” Jisung cocks his eyebrow. “Can we play again?”

“So you act like a baby when you lose again? I think I’m out, I’ll watch a show or something.” The oldest stands up and cracks his joints making Chenle cringe.

Jisung rolls his eyes internally. “Don’t you have stuff to study for? Aren’t you like sixteen?”

Yukhei sighs loudly and comes closer to the younger just so he could ruffle the boy’s dark locks. “And what about it? I wanna see if you’ll be studying your ass off when you’re my age, kiddo.”

And then he’s gone upstairs leaving Jisung fuming in silence while Chenle stays oblivious to what was going on, they had spoken way too fast for his brain to process most words and Jisung didn’t seem to want to talk about it anymore.

“Game?”

Jisung looks over to his friend who was trying his best to make his mood go up again, he smiles faintly and nods. “Yeah, thanks.” He whispers and Chenle rubs the side of his face against the boy’s arm like kitten in response like he would often. Jisung doesn’t even notice himself petting his friend’s head until the other purrs out with contentment. A habit, he supposed.

 

 

 

A soft knock on the door wakes him up from his daydream. Chenle gets up on his wobbly legs to open the door and smiles when he sees Mrs. Wong with a magazine in her hand. “So I was reading.” She starts and walks past the boy. “It says sports is really good for a teenager, I mean I always suspected but they give me the science behind it or whatever.”

Chenle chuckles lightly and sits next to her in the bed to get a better look at the article. “Okay and?”

“So, which sport is your favourite? I want you to be active!” She pinches the boy’s chubby cheeks, Chenle was immune to it. So much so that the action didn’t even hurt anymore.

It doesn’t take very long for him to decide. “Swimming! I used to swim back in China!” He exclaims excitedly and the woman clasps her hands together happily.

“Perfect! I’ll see what I can do, but you’re sure that’s what you want right?” Chenle nods. “Okay! Thank you sweetie I’ll leave you alone again sorry to disturb.”

He chuckles while heading to the door behind the woman. _As if I was doing anything._ “You can come in anytime!”

She smiles down at him. “You’re so precious. But don’t you have homework to do?”

The boy starts closing the door slowly while laughing nervously. “Yeah. Yeah that yeah it’s- Bye.” The door closes with a click, Chenle lets out a sigh of relief as soon as he finds himself alone in his room. “Fuck homework.”

“I heard that mister! Do your homework!” She yells in the distance.

 

 

 

The familiar chlorine scent fills his senses the moment they step inside the building. Mrs. Wong leads them to the receptionist where she spends many minutes discussion important details that Chenle couldn’t be bothered to listen. Instead, he wanders around the unknown place that he’d soon frequent basically every day.

“Le!” He hears and starts running back to the receptionist. “We’ll be taken in a little tour, come.”

Chenle trots behind her happily while they head to the changing rooms. He couldn’t wait to go back to swimming like he used to but he also felt super nervous of who he would have to meet there, and if he would like his teammates. Mrs. Wong had told him it was useless to ponder about those things, instead he should just go with the flow and friends would come his way.

“There isn’t much to show in the changing rooms.” The tour guide chuckles. “So, lets see the swimming pool!”

They run pass by the entrance with the showers so to not get wet, Chenle giggles when he feels his back get totally soaked despite their efforts to run on time but Mrs. Wong didn't look very happy. “It’s fine!” 

“You’re soaked, you’ll be sick.” She grumbles and pats his back so he keeps walking.

The guide waits for them to stop bickering to keep going with a fond smile on his face. He couldn’t be much older than Yukhei, Chenle couldn’t help but stare at the handsome teenager in front of him shamelessly.

“You’re so obvious it hurts my soul.” Mrs. Wong jokes making the boy blush furiously. “It’s cute but learn to be discreet sweet cheeks.”

“Should I stop again?” The guide asks oblivious to it all.

“No! No!” Chenle exclaims right away and then buries his face in his hands when the other turns around.

“Practice are every day except Sundays. And some other days off.” He explains slowly so Chenle could understand better. “Don’t skip, take it seriously or you’ll be kicked out.”

Chenle widens his eyes, he hadn’t expected them to be so serious about the competition part but that was probably because back in China he didn’t swim to compete and rather for fun. He doesn’t quite like the fact that would have to come there so often but maybe it’d be worth it, he hoped so.

He was so concentrated in whatever the guide was saying that he doesn’t hear his name being called out till Mrs. Wong wakes him up from his daze and points to where the noise was coming from. “Jisung?” Chenle gasps.

“What are you doing here?” His friend asks genuinely confused and then looks at the guide, bowing down right away when he notices it was one of the older swimmers. “A tour guide? You’re joining?”

Chenle nods enthusiastically. “I uh-“ It’s then that he realizes his Korean was still too broken, and that he’d probably sound stupid if he spoke in front of the handsome boy. “Yes.”

“Yes? You’ll be with me then.”

“You?”

“Yep there are too little people my age to form a group so we were told to go to the older one’s team.” He explains happily and then frowns when he notices that Chenle's eyes kept constantly drifting in the older boy’s direction. “Right, you have to finish your tour.”

“Yes.” Chenle says dryly, he was trying his best to not say much or at least nothing that would embarrass him. “See you.”

Mrs. Wong quirks her eyebrows up in surprise when Chenle trails behind the older boy leaving Jisung behind without a single care in the world. She looks at the boy who looks back with the same expression. “Miss, what happened to him?”

“I got my bet on hormones.” She cackles loudly, but Jisung can only scrunch up his nose at that. “He finds that boy cute, he wouldn’t take his eyes off him.”

Jisung smiles bitterly, it doesn’t even reach his eyes. The woman wonders if the boy himself even noticed his sour expression. She swallows down the urge to laugh and pats the boy’s shoulder. “I got to go back to practice.” He mumbles weakly and gives her one last forced smile before fast walking his way back to the group of people.

“Tragic.” Mrs. Wong whispers to herself before searching for the two boys that had seemingly disappeared.

 

 

 

The first time Chenle sees Jisung cry is when the boy turns ten. He doesn’t know why the boy randomly bursts out crying, in fact it had been so sudden it takes him a minute to process that he should try to comfort him instead of watching like a fool while Mrs. Park asks him what’s wrong.

“Sungie.” He coos against the boy’s locks while rocking their bodies together. “Why are you crying?”

“I have two digits.”

Chenle’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. “What?”

“I’m ten, one and zero.”

“Okay, and?” His friend chuckles and forces the boy to look at him in the eyes. “You are crying like you turn eighteen.”

Jisung punches the boy’s chest weakly and then laughs at his own stupidity. “I don’t know! It’s weird!” He says mid laughing with tears still streaming down his face. “I have to change schools, mom says it’ll just get harder every year from now on.”

Chenle pouts and goes back to squeezing the younger in a tight embrace as if he was trying to protect Jisung from the responsibilities that would come with growing up. “It is not so bad! I only have homework for weekend.”

The other boy snorts against the fabric of Chenle’s shirt. “I guess.”

“I can not wait to see you on school, you will make many friends! You see mine too.” He exclaims trying to spread his positivism to Jisung who looked slightly better. “They are really nice, I love them.”

“You never spoke of them.” Jisung points out as he stuff a piece of cake inside his mouth.

Chenle grabs a piece for himself while smiling brightly. “Eric is my first friend, he is from America! He help my English, think you both are…” He stops to think of the word but nothing comes up so he gives up. “So… Sunwoo he is… Hum, cold? But not now!”

“At first he looks cold?” His friend tries to help Chenle out when his mouth was free again.

“Yes! He really sweet. Haknyeon too! Super super sweet, I speak Chinese with him. He translate and help too.” Chenle explains the best he could, it was past midnight and he was awfully tired which made his Korean even worse. It was frustrating but he forced himself to try anyways.

Jisung hums and finishes his second slice. “Sounds cool, I can’t wait to meet them.”

“You my best friend, no matter.” Chenle cringes, that phrase somehow sounded off but he couldn't tell why. “Jisung is my best friend.”

The other boy grins and muffled his laughter by taking a bite of the cake. “Why? Why am I your best friend?” He teases while staring at his friend’s face with pure fondness.

“You special.” Chenle grins back just as bright as Jisung, they looked like mad men smiling at each other like that. “Jisung is different.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any typos!!


	2. water it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With all my thoughts and all my faults  
> I feel it biting, i feel it break my skin so uninviting  
> Are you really gonna need me when I'm gone? I fear you won't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hh yeah i had the biggest writers block when it came to this fic .__. but it's mostly because it's at a part of the story that isn't really fun to write about but i feel is important so i can't skip, so yeah i'm really sorry uhh i'll hopefully NOT take like 5 damn months to update again (Wtf im shocked with myself honestly.. but i kept pushing this back :/ ahh)
> 
> this is a boring chapter tbh, which makes me feel even worse for taking so long to put it out there. but hopefully it starts getting interesting after this <3 so enjoy?

**T** he boy growls angrily and throws a hard kick at the bike’s back wheel. “Stupid thing.” He mumbles while ruffling his hair with frustration. His bike had somehow got broken, his bet was on Yukhei who probably tried using it while still under the influence of alcohol and managed to ruin it. Either way, he was going to late for practice since the bus had just left and there was no way he could simply walk there without being about thirty minutes late.

“Coming?” Jisung shouts in the distance as he hops on his seat.

“It broken!” Chenle shouts back and lets out a angry noise, loud enough for Jisung to hear from the other side of the road. “Not going, i will come late.”

Jisung crosses the road quickly and leans on the fence. “Come on, we can both use mine.”

“How, genius?” He glares, Chenle didn’t mean to come off rude but the frustration wouldn’t go away no matter what. Everything, even Jisung with his pretty squishable face was annoying him.

His friend sits down and then points at the leftover space in the seat, it wasn’t much but since Jisung was sitting right at the edge it till left some space for Chenle. “Let’s try it?” He snorts when Chenle gives him a weird look. “C’mon, better than nothing.”

Chenle sighs deeply and tries his best to fit on the leftover space, it somehow works but it was highly uncomfortable. But, just like Jisung had said, it was better than nothing. “Can you skinny thing push?” He cackles after Jisung groans loudly while trying to move the bicycle.

“Yes! I can, watch me.” The boy grunts one last time and then they finally start — slowly but surely — moving. In no time they were almost going normal speed, Chenle wouldn’t actually admit it but he was surprised his friend had actually managed to push them both at a non snail pace.

Too busy being spaced out looking at the view, Chenle didn’t even process it properly when Jisung grabs his forearm and forces the boy to wrap his arms around the thinner torso. “Ah why?” He grumbles, but really he didn’t mind one bit having his whole body squished against Jisung’s.

“Don’t want you to fall!” Jisung whines and slaps his friend’s hands lightly. “Keep them there, okay?”

“Mhm, okay.” Chenle whispers with a witty smirk on his face, he knew Jisung wouldn’t see it anyways. “Tired?”

Jisung shrugs and lets out a breathy chuckle that sounded more like a pant than anything. “Sort of, yes. We’re almost there, though.” He manages to say faintly.

The other rubs his cheek against Jisung’s back. “Thank you, Sungie.” He says cutely and smiles brightly when he notices the corners of his friend’s mouth turn upwards slightly. “Love you.” Chenle whispers inaudibly, though part of him hoped Jisung had heard it.

  
  


A piece of meat lands right on the tip of Jisung’s nose mid walking to Chenle, the boy shrieks at the impact and looks at the boy parallel to him dumbfounded. “What the?” He asks in a overly high-pitched voice.

Chenle grabs a napkin and calmly cleans his friend’s nose while trying his best to hold back his laughter. “I’m bored, and you two are over there being lovey dovey.” Eric grumbles as he stabs his food. “Seriously.”

“Where Haknyeon and Sunwoo?” Chenle asks when he finishes cleaning Jisung up.

“Don’t know probably in their stupid spot on the playground.” The other rolls his eyes. “Not that they’d be any better than you two lovebirds.”

Jisung grunts childishly and pouts. “We’re not like Sunwoo and Haknyeon!”

The silence that comes after was making Chenle want to run away and never return, Eric shifted awkwardly on his seat and quietly went back to eating while Jisung finally decided to eat his meal. Meanwhile he stood in his spot, stone cold, trying to swallow the reality once more.

Eric kick his leg softly to wake him up from his daze and shoots him a sympathetic smile. “You don’t look too good, maybe you should go to the nurse Le.” He says while giving him a knowing smile.

Jisung immediately turns to analyse Chenle, creases forming in his forehead in worry. “Are you okay?” He asks as if Chenle was a little child, it made the other chuckle with amusement.

“I am fine. But uh, i go check.” The boy croaks out and clears his throat awkwardly. “It is okay, Jisung.” He snorts when his friend wouldn’t stop frowning.

“Get better!” Jisung exclaims when his friend finally starts walking away from the lunch table.

They go silent once more, Eric plays with the food for a few seconds before looking up at Jisung and rolling his eyes. “You’re an idiot.”

“What?! Why?!”

Eric stabs a piece of meat with his chopstick without breaking eye contact with the other and then gives him a bitter smile. “You just are.”

 

“Sunwoo and Haknyeon…” Jisung says breaking the silence as he walked home next to Chenle. “Are they actually dating?”

The other lifts his eyes from the ground and eyes his friend hesitantly. It wasn't like he didn't trust that Jisung wasn't homophobic, but maybe deep down his mother's morals had prevailed. “Hak say no, but i know it is yes.”

Jisung hums. “Okay.” He rubs his nose and sniffs awkwardly. “Eric thinks we're like them?”

“He is joking.” Chenle says weakly.

“I see.”

“Uhm.”

  


 

Chenle remembers the day things started shifting from the normality of their routine. Jisung had been away the previous day on a trip to a museum he too had visited the year before. He waited and waited for Jisung to show up during lunch time, but it seemed like the boy was going to be late for whatever reason, so he tried to forget and ignore the empty chair next to him by talking with his friends.

Jisung does show up eventually, panting but smiling brightly. “Sorry i’m like super late.” He breathes out and sits down next to Chenle whose eyes never left his friend’s face hungrily waiting for some sort of explanation. “So i got good news!”

“Shoot, kid.” Sunwoo puts his chin on the palm of his hand for support.

“I’m just one year younger!” The boy complains and huffs, a little strand of his hair dances in the air at that. “Whatever so i went on that trip right, alone like usual because i don’t really talk to anyone there. And then like these guys, you probably know them they’re pretty well known, start like talking to me out of the blue? And at first i thought Oh they must be messing with me, so like i try to just be curt and not really keep the convo going. But they just keep on talking, and they were actually being pretty nice? Asking me stuff like where i live, which school i used to go, etc.”

Chenle drifts his eyes away from Jisung in the direction of the table were his tray was, he wasn’t really looking at anything but he couldn’t bare watch how excited Jisung was to find friends. And it was selfish of him, he knew that, in fact that was what made him feel even worse. He should be happy for Jisung but his gut feeling told him these weren’t good news at all, even then he wouldn’t dare ever intervene.

“So then they told me to hang with them the whole day and it was amazing, seriously. I’m so excited! I was just outside with them playing basketball, even if i still suck at it.” He clasps his hands together and looks over to Chenle. “Hey, will you teach me how play? I know you love Stephen Curry so you must know.”

The boy turns his head slightly so he could look at his friend and nods weakly. “Yeah, i know how to play. I teach you one of these days.” He forces a smile.

“Cool! I really want them to like me y’know? I mean, not that i was desperate for friends but it did feel kind of lonely when i wasn’t with you guys.”

They all nod. Chenle had already mentioned feeling bad for Jisung, but now that he had actually found other people to be with, it seemed way more scary than he could ever imagine. Not that he was overly clingy, or so he didn’t think he was, but Jisung was very much the type to find a new toy and leave the other behind. Chenle didn’t want to be the old toy, not when Jisung was practically everything to him. Maybe he’d get over himself with time.

“Alright so ima head back there then, i’ll see you guys around.” He waves them goodbye and runs out of the canteen as fast as he had come in.

“Le you good?” Haknyeon asks softly and places his hand on top of his friend’s forearm to pet him.

The boy looks at his friends and nods weakly. “Just scared.” He quickly switches to Mandarin since it was easier to explain himself. “I’m scared of being replaced by some random kids, i don’t like them anyways… They seem arrogant, like bullies. I don’t want Jisung to change.”

“I understand.” Haknyeon squeezes his arm reassuringly. “But trust Jisung, yeah? And there’s nothing you can do, nor should do. He’s happy for now anyways, try to not think about it too much.”

Chenle smiles faintly and nods once again. “I will try, yeah.”

  


Having to wake up every Saturday at about eight o’clock wasn’t something Jisung ever looked forward to, not that he could ever admit that to his mother who took his catechism awfully seriously. To Jisung it just meant he’d have to wake up early as if it were a school day during a weekend where many of his classmates slept till way later than ten in the morning, something he was never allowed to do not even during Sundays. If he was lucky, mother would be late from church and he would get to sleep in late, but that didn’t happen frequently.  
Either way, he has no say in the matter.

With his droopy eyes, Jisung sleepily stares out of the old car’s window seeing the familiar houses pass by at full speed. A routine. He knew it all, knew which roads to go to, which buildings were key to know if he was in right path or not, it had been years doing the same thing over and over. And yet if asked what he did during catechism, Jisung wasn’t sure what to answer.  
Sleep? Well mostly, at least with his eyes open but mind free of thought. Often he’d answer that it was there were he’d learn about values, but everyone snorted at that. It was sort of humiliating, everybody seemed to find him having to follow through with his mother’s views funny but to Jisung it was anything but. It was exhausting, he had tried to like going there but his head begged for more sleep even if he slept at ten in the evening like his mother made him do.  
The car comes to an halt and then his door is being opened, the chilly morning air makes him whine. He didn’t want to go but he had long given up on trying to make his mother change her mind. To her it was a must, and who was Jisung to say no to that. Maybe it was a must but he couldn’t really get himself to care for such things.  
He wonders if The Transformers were already playing on TV at that time… A grunt escapes his lips in frustration.  
The musky smell inside the room always made him scrunch up his nose, he never liked it though his mother would often refered to it as a sweet familiar scent. It wasn’t sweet. It stank. But he never admitted that either.  
“Jisung-ah!” Mrs. Park cheerfully calls out and he snaps his head up. “Come, we’ll be starting soon.”  
Jisung nods and gives him mother one last look before letting himself be taken inside the room he knew so well. Same beige walls filled with biblical drawings made by the children, same big cross at the end of the room that always captivated his attention for some reason. He knew the room like the back of his hand, but it made him uncomfortable nevertheless. Maybe it was the constant state of coldness that filled it, it never allowed Jisung to feel comfortable since he was too focused on how cool his body was becoming as soon as he stepped inside.  
“Morning!” The woman cheers and they all repeat it back in unison. “Today we will talk about sharing.”  
Not even minutes in and Jisung’s brain was already somewhere else, thinking of the possibility of his mother allowing him to play with Chenle that evening. He didn’t have much homework to do, there was no reason for her to keep him in. That makes him smile to himself, with his new friends; his time with Chenle always seemed to run thin. He really wanted to hang out with him that evening.  
“Jisung, what about you. If it’s something you truly really really love, would you share it?” Mrs. Park asks with a big grin.

“Yes.” He answers, but even if he knew that technically that was the right answer, inside of him something tells him it’s wrong. “Depending on who.”  
“Oh?” She lets out an awkward laugh. “You should always share your things! Being selfish is a no-no.”  
Jisung’s brows knit together. “Should i share my goodies with a murderer then?”  
The woman looks taken aback, if it weren’t for all the children’s eyes on him making him feel awfully nervous, Jisung would’ve felt smug for getting such a reaction from her. “Well, yes. Always be the bigger person, Jisung-ah.”  
_Bullshit_ . But he nods. One thing he had learnt a while back too, fighting back with adults brings more bad than good, it was useless. His mouth stays sealed the whole lesson.

 

 

“Bend your knees.” Chenle instructions and pokes the back of his friend’s knees with the tip of his shoe. “Copy my position.”

The boy mimics what he would do if he were to shoot the basketball and then looks over to Jisung waiting for the other to do the same. The younger gulps and plays with the ball in his hands nervously before attempting to copy the movements, the ball hits the basket but doesn't go inside. “Shoot.” The boy pouts and runs to get the ball that had rolled away from them.

“Better!” Chenle encourages with a soft smile. “Again.”

It had been months since Jisung had finally found friends in his class, and even if it still hurt Chenle to not be with the other as much, he had gotten used to it. Plus, they still got to hang out outside of school, so he supposed it wasn’t all that bad. Jisung looked happy to have new friends to get to know, new experiences to experience and of course, happy to not be alone in his class. Because one thing was spending his break times with Chenle and his friends, another was being able to have friends whenever he went.

“Idiot.” The older laughs when Jisung trips on his own shoelace while dribbling, thankfully his reflexes were quick and he manages to hold onto the boy before he fell on his butt on the hard floor. “I tell you tie your lace but you never do.”

Jisung mumbles something under his breath and then straightens his back. “Okay mom.” He teases earning a flick in his forehead from Chenle. “You think i’m good enough for them now?” The boy asks, suddenly serious as if he hadn’t just been laughing with his whole chest seconds previously.

Chenle pat his head and nods. “You keep getting better, you can impress them.” He reassures the boy while smiling softly. “Wanna try beating me?”

The other beams at the suggestion, in a way it was as if Chenle was telling him he was already just as good as him — which was far from the truth, but still, the thought was what mattered in the end. “Yes! Let’s go Chenle Curry!”

  


 

Fifth of February. Jisung opens his eyes and stares up at the ceiling in silence, the sound of his clock ticking somewhere in the room fill his ears in that silent morning. His eyes drift towards the little calendar by his nightstand, a smile slowly forms in his lips while reading the writing on the tiny square for that day. **_Jisungie’s first TEEN! ^-^_ ** It read in a messy handwriting from when Chenle had slept over months before and found Jisung’s calendar. He chuckles and sits on his bed suddenly excited to go to school, because even nobody else knew it was his birthday, at least his best friend did. Not that he cared much, but Chenle always made sure to make it feel as if it was a special day, and who was Jisung to say no to being pampered like that?

 

Like usual, the younger waits by his window for Chenle to leave his house and cross the road to his own. He hears the doorbell ring and sprints downstairs sloppily grabbing his bag on his way, Jisung could feel his heartbeat thunder inside of him as he opens the door to reveal his smiley best friend behind it with his hands behind his back. “Happy Birthday!” Chenle yells and wraps his arms around Jisung’s neck, squeezing him so tightly the boy starts coughing. “Here.”

He extends his arms out revealing the little gift, a small camera and a little note in a baby blue sheet of paper lay there in his tiny hands. Jisung looks in between the presents and Chenle with a look of pure shock, usually the boy would give him something small like a plushie but that was it. Maybe a cake too, but that always came after school. It was always simple things, not a _camera._ “What.... Is this? How’d you buy it?!” Jisung blinks rapidly in a comic fashion.

“Asked Mrs. Wong! She said yes.” Chenle grins and puts it in Jisung’s already bigger hand as well as the little note. “Save memories with it.” He explains, eyes sparkling with excitement mirroring Jisung’s.

The younger opens and closes his mouth a few times before smiling widely. “Thank you, i will!”

“Where is your mother?” Chenle pries inside the empty house and frowns.

“Work, starts early.” Jisung explains nonchalantly while closing the door behind him and locking it, his friend follows behind as he starts to walk towards the street with a sad look in his face. “It’s fine Le, you know i don’t care about my birthday.”

“Still!” He whines and clings to Jisung’s arm. “It’s your day, your mom should be there for you!”

Jisung laughs quietly while trying to stuff the camera in his backpack as well as the note without shrugging Chenle off him. “This is already more than enough.” He whispers and ruffles his friend’s hair lovingly. “Thank you.”

  


“What gay shit is this?” Junhoe asks behind Jisung who was currently analysing his locker filled with balloons, his smile fades away right away at the boy’s tone and he coughs before turning around.

“Uh, my friends did that. For my birthday.” He explain, eyes shaking slightly. No matter how long it had been since they had started talking, Junhoe still scared him to death. His eyes were more than often cold, just like his words, and no matter what he said the rest agreed. So, if he made fun of the little present Chenle and the rest had left him, the rest would too, and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to handle his best friend’s hard work being trashed like that.

The boy quirks his eyebrow up and looks around the rest of the group. “Ah our Jisung is thirteen now!” He pats his back. “Does little Jisung like pink?”

Jisung furrows his eyebrows and looks back, the ballons were a mix of blue and pink — his and Chenle’s favourite colours. “N-No. That’s Chenle’s favourite-”

“Tell me, is this Chenle a fag?” As soon as the word leaves Junhoe’s mouth, Jisung’s body tenses up with both disgust and shock. “Ah, i see. So he is.” The boy locks eyes with him, a malicious smile spreads across his face. “Are you a fag too, Jisung?”

He shakes his head weakly, the word ricochets inside his head making his brain hurt and stomach twist. The way he spoke of Chenle, it made him want to puke the little bit of breakfast he had that morning. “Please don’t call… him that…” Jisung pleads quietly, Junhoe crounches down and pretends he hadn’t hear it. “Please don’t.”

“But did i lie?” The boy chuckles lowly and finally lets go of Jisung. “Enjoy your balloons.” Is all he says before heading to class with the rest following behind.

One of them, Hyunjin, turns back and shoots him a sympathetic smile for a curt moment before continuing to trail behind the rest of the group. Jisung bites harshly on his shaky bottom lip and stares at his blurry reflection in the locker, even then he could see how sparkly his eyes were with the tears that threatened to leave his eyes.

There were many perks to having friends, Jisung knew that. But as time went on, it seemed more cons popped out of the blue, and sometimes it became suffocating. They eradicated every happy memory he had created with his new group of friends and turned everything black and white, it made him want to run back into Chenle’s arms but he never allowed himself to do so. He knew he’d regret it.

Jisung tugs at the strings that held the balloons in their place and presses his lips tightly against each other tightly before shoving them inside his locker, popping a pink one in the process by accident.

_Guilt._

  


He forgets most of it when he gets to walk back home with Chenle, the boy was always super talkative as he spoke about his day no matter how boring or normal it had been. Jisung loved that, it all felt so easy with Chenle. He didn’t even need to talk, only listen — which he loved, especially with his best friend who made anything sound interesting with the cheerful tone he used whenever he spoke —  contrary to when he was in school where, if he didn’t speak for longer than ten minutes, they’d start picking up on him. It tired him, more than he’d like to admit.

“Come over for a few minutes!” Chenle exclaims while dragging the younger towards his house, Jisung doesn’t bother saying no to that. It meant he’d spend even more time with Chenle afterall.

Inside, the Wongs greet him happily. Yukhei comes running from the living room with his arms wide open and a bright smile on his face ready to engulf Jisung in a tight hug as a birthday present. Meanwhile, Mr. Wong waited by the side with a soft smile while holding a cake box next to his wife who too smiled at Jisung full of fondness. Jisung couldn't even think of any negative thoughts the moment he stepped inside their house, they never failed to cheer him up with their warmness.

“Here champ.” Mr. Wang bends down to give Jisung his cake, the boy gladly accepts it and quickly gets rid of the lid of the box so he can see how the cake looked like.

“Woah!” He giggles and then looks at every single one of them, happiness radiated off him like never before as he stared at the chick shaped cake. “This is so awesome, thank you so much!”

Chenle puts his arm around Jisung’s shoulder and giggles alongside him. “Mine idea! Hope you like it.” They lock eyes, and even if it was for a split second, Jisung feels an overwhelming wave of happiness crash against his heart. “Happy birthday loser!”

 

The boy throws his bag somewhere in the room and flops onto his chair, he was exhausted with the roller-coaster of emotions he had to deal with the whole day. His eyes close automatically, but his brain doesn’t shut up even then. Suddenly, he remembers the little note as well as the camera and sits back straight with his eyes wide open. He looks around the room and, when he finds his bag, sprints towards it — hitting his knee against the wall in the process from how fast he had slid across the floor — and takes out the two objects.

The paper, already awfully crumbled, contained a small little simple message that still somehow made Jisung smile like a big doof.

 

**_Happy Birthday Sugie, you’re thirteen already! Welcome to the ‘teen’ club! It seems time passed by in a blink of an eyes since you were seven. There’s many things about you i’m yet to understand after all these years, but even with all the ups and downs, it’s all worth it and nobody could make me happier than you do. Because it’s you, Jisung Pwark, and it’ll always be you._ **

 

**_Ps: Xuxi helped me translate this, i hope he didn’t make mistakes! >-<_ **

Jisung bites down on his lip to suppress his smile and snorts. “It’s Park, you idiot” The boy murmurs to himself, eyes still glued to the letters as if they’d vanish if he looked away. He read it over and over again, questioning each time what he had done in a past life to deserve a friend like Chenle.

 

 

 

It didn’t happen everyday, but certainly every week. Jisung kept finding himself trapped inside the same musky empty room, facing the same glowing cross, suffocating with the same burning sensation.

He was tired, exhausted even, of having to go through the same painful process over and over more than once a week. Sleep started taking longer to come for Jisung feared he would have to handle with the painful experience of feeling the flames take over him, but there he had again. Same room, same situation.

The boy refuses to stare at the cross and ignores its general direction, instead goes around smacking his fists against the big glorious stained glass windows to find a way to free himself. But nothing happens, they don't budge, no crack appears. The only difference was the stain of red that painted the spot where Jisung had violently tried breaking the glass. It doesn't scare him anymore the once agonising pain felt like a numb and dull ache whenever his knuckles hit the hard glass.

No matter how hard he hit nor how many times, though, it never broke. The door never opened either, there simply was no other way out but to go through that hell again. Jisung feels the floor in hopes of finding a secret passage only to find nothing, it all felt like a test that he seemed unable to pass through, one he always gave up upon.

He sits in the middle of the room and looks up at the stars in the sky, the lack of ceiling made him somehow feel more trapped than ever. If he could have wings then he’d finally escape, but he didn’t. He was a mere human, if he could only be an angel, a bird, anything but human.

The boy closes his eyes and sighs. “I’ll give in once again.” He mumbles to himself sadly, all the wanted was to wake up and run away from that hell. But to think he would have to go through the pain of feeling that awful boiling sensation all over his body made him almost cry once again.

There was no other way out, so he turns to the direction he knew the cross was hung on and opens his eyes. _Here we go again._

  


“You look so tired lately.” Chenle points out while they warm up for their swimming lesson, his eyebrows almost knit together with worry and that makes Jisung feel awful. He didn’t want the other to worry, he hadn’t noticed he looked _that_ bad. Then again, lately he refused to look at his own reflection for reasons he too didn’t quite understand.

Jisung shakes his head and chuckles lightly. “Somehow it’s been hard to fall asleep.”

“You always sleep well when you go to my house though! Last week you sleep after like five minutes.” The older pouts. “You should always sleep with me then!”

The other snorts, if he could he would. But his mother already hated how much time he spent over at the Wong’s house. He was used to not being let out often he didn’t even try if he had already asked to do that week already. Chenle knew that, they both knew, it was still nice to daydream of a reality where they’d be able to sleepover with each other everyday. It’s mean movie night and pillow fights everyday, how could Jisung oppose to that?

“I guess i don’t dream when i come over.” He shrugs while stretching his right leg the best he could.

“And that’s weird?”

Jisung shoots him a puzzled look. “Yeah. I dream everyday.”

Chenle seems so shocked, and that throws Jisung off a little bit. He thought everybody dreamt everyday, he just assumed because he did then everyone else did too. Didn’t seem to be the case afterall. “I don’t! That is odd.” He mumbles while doing his own exercises, but Jisung can’t get his eyes off him for some reason even if the boy wasn’t looking at him.

It was a weird realisation. For whatever reason it bugged his brain so bad it seemed to have frozen up. “Gather up guys!” His coach’s harsh voice rips through his thoughts bringing back to the real world.

He gets up, but everything he did was on automatic. His brain doesn’t shut up, though, it keeps on rambling and about things Jisung couldn’t be bothered to process. It just seemed his mind never stopped, it never rested. Jisung was exhausted.

  


 

Yet again, just like many times before, the boy finds himself staring out of the car’s window way too early in the morning for a Saturday. He had gotten used to it, to the point where when catechism was cancelled, he still woke up early anyways. That didn’t mean he was okay with it now, because he sure wasn’t and would never be.

“See you in a few hours, sweetie. Behave.” His mother bends down to kiss the top of his head and pats his shoulder. “I’ve heard you haven’t been paying attention, be a big boy and take this seriously okay?”

Jisung nods sleepily and heads inside where the kids were already at, he sits in his usual spot ready to doze off into the universe of his own mind. But something catches his attention just before. “We will start a new exercise.” Mrs. Park declares as her helper distributes little notebooks. “I want you to be honest with yourselves, and God, and write down your worries and your sins. Anything you’d like to tell Him, that’s what i want you to do.”

The boy scrunches his nose, _so basically a diary?_ That didn’t sound like something he’d ever want to do, firstly because what was he even supposed to write there? And secondly, there just wasn’t any point in doing such a thing in his humble opinion.

Still he grabs the notebook, not that he had much choice in that, and stares at it as if it was a relic of some sort that he had to analyse. “You don’t need to write everyday, but we will be checking if you have at least written once a week. It’s good for you! You don’t need to share your thoughts with us, but if you want, you can!” Mrs. Park says excitedly. “Let’s try it now! Try writing something down that you’d like to tell Him.”

Jisung opens the book and stares at the blank page while playing with his pen in his other hand. His mind was blank, which was a first. He scribbles drawings down to pretend he was actually doing something but one of the women passes by him and glares harshly when she notices he wasn’t actually writing.

He sighs quietly. He supposed he had one complain.

 

**_Why must You keep giving me these awful dreams? What have i done?_ **

 

Jisung stares at his handwriting and bites his bottom lip. _He did know,_ or he supposed he did. He crosses the last part out and breathes in shakily.

 

**_~~Why must You keep giving me these awful dreams? What have i done?~~ I just don’t understand any of it, are you punishing me from hanging with people with a bad heart? Is it not You who has pushed me to be their friend? _ **

 

His mother would’ve yelled at him if she was to read his diary, Jisung knew so. But he didn’t care if he was being too ‘informal’ or ‘rude’, his brain hurt after months of constantly dreaming of the same thing. He just wanted a break from the punishment.

  


 

Their swimming competition finally came around, it was their first that year and Jisung couldn’t help but feel excited about it even if he was nowhere near being the best. He just liked a break in the routine and plus, it meant he could spend the whole day with Chenle without having to worry about his mother counting that as them hanging out. Hence the chances of him being let out to sleepover at his best friend’s house that month were still high, the thought alone makes him giddy.

Chenle barks out a loud laugh while resting his head on Jisung’s shoulder when one of their teammates cracks a joke making the younger flinch, but still he doesn’t push Chenle off him. They’d often end up in positions like that, it was comfortable and natural, Jisung never even remembered how they’d happen he just knew they did. Everybody else seemed used to them being glued to each other by the hip too because they’d never comment on it, so they didn’t stop either.

“We’re here you guys!” One of them chirps and then the rest head towards the windows to admire the new pool they’d compete in. It was bigger, way bigger than the one they had back home. A mix of ‘wow’s and ‘woa’s fills the bus as they admire the view.

Jisung couldn’t wait to get inside and explore the place with Chenle like they would always do, since they were younger they’d treat the pools as if they were castles they had to discover and the ritual always passed on over the years. They lock eyes and giggle with excitement, both boys were thinking the exact same thing, they didn’t need to say it to know.

“Alright listen up kids, you better behave out there. If any of you go missing, or if i’m told you’ve been up to things you shouldn’t, you will be in big trouble. Got it?” Their coach looks around with his authoritative expression and then cracks a smile. “But let’s have fun, yes? Don’t stress about winning too much you guys!”

Everybody cheers, Jisung and Chenle included. It was going to be a good day.

 

Something tugs at his tight swimming trunks just as Jisung finishes zipping his bag, he gasps and turns around only to be met with Chele pouting. “Sungie you take too long.” He pulls his friend harsher this time making Jisung almost trip in the wet floor.

“Wait, wait.” The boy adjusts his bag on his back and shoots two thumbs up right in front of Chenle’s face. “We’re good to go, let’s explore!” He exclaims before sliding across the slippery floor and stopping nearby the changing room’s door, his friend follows right behind him giggling with excitement as they run through the halls. They pass by the main entrance they had already seen and run up the stairs even if the woman behind the counter gave them a disapproving look.

The second floor had a big common area filled with couches with a view to the pool through big glass walls. “Woah!”

The older presses his face against the glass with a grin that could light up the entire world, fog forms nearby his mouth from his panting and so, when he leans back again, Chenle decides to draw a small heart using the already disappearing leftover fog. He giggles like a total child and then turns to Jisung who was analysing the pool space, it really was the biggest they ever gone to. It was majestic in his eyes.

“This is best castle we have ever been to, Sir Park.” Chenle says as he moves closer to his friend and side hugs him, Jisung doesn’t even flinch at the touch. “Should we see more?” He quirks his eyebrows when the other finally turns his head to look at him. “One hour left…”

Jisung chuckles and the second he nods, Chenle is already flying down the stairs at light speed leaving his friend behind to catch onto him. They run through the halls once more, trying to open every door they come across without a single care, just pure young recklessness. Whenever Jisung was near Chenle it was as the consequences never existed, just the actions and the adrenaline that came with it, the rest was the them of the future’s problem.

Being with Chenle alone, it gave Jisung a taste of what freedom really felt like. The freedom he so much craved for and was never granted, the freedom to be a unbothered child. Chenle gave him the wings life kept on snatching away.

Jisung laughs wholeheartedly, at nothing really for the door Chenle had just opened showed nothing but a regular changing room. He keeps on laughing as they run across it towards the showers, it makes his chest hurt from how hard he was laughing, but it had been far too long since he had felt such intense happiness run through his veins. Chenle doesn't tell him to shut up, in fact he joins him.

His best friend turns on the shower and pushes Jisung under it, barking out a laugh when the other shrieks and tries to free himself from Chenle’s devil trap. By the time he manages to get his friend off him, they were both soaking wet. He stares deep into Chenle’s crinkled crescent eyes, the familiarity of it all was overwhelming. He pulls the boy into a tight hug, resting his head on Chenle’s shoulder as the water kept on pouring on top of them. It didn't seem to matter much to any of them though.

Time stops, and then starts again faster than ever. “Competition start soon.” Chenle whispers while petting the hairs in the back of his friend’s head. “Come.”

They turn off the water, the noise of their slippers hitting their feet as they walked filling the almost dead silent room. Jisung follows obediently behind Chenle, staring at the boy’s laid back posture. He rolls his shoulders back trying to mimic his posture but it feel foreign and fake, so he drops it and goes back to his natural slouching position that he was so used to.

He supposed he couldn't be Chenke no matter how much he tried. The thought made his stomach drop, but just like most things; Jisung ignores it.

 

 

“GO JISUNG PWARK!” Chenle shouts as his friend leaves the little cramped waiting room and awkwardly makes his way across the other side of the pool to get ready for his turn. After Jisung pointed out the boy’s mistake in his letter, the nickname seemed to glue itself into Chenle’s brain. From then on, his last name had become Pwark according to his friend.

He ducks his head down nervously and lets out a shaky breath, it wasn't a special competition, but seeing Chenle cheering for him like that made him want to try his best no matter what. Jisung waves at him before waddling away till he was perfectly parallel to the other, he looks ahead at Chenle who had his fist up in the air and a bright smile on his face. Even from the opposite side of the pool, Jisung could still see it.

 

The competition goes by smoothly and by the end of the evening both boys already know all corners of the building. The adrenaline had slowly dissipated after so many hours of running around like puppies in a big field, but Chenle’s enthusiasm never truly ever went away.

It was a sort of tradition to trade the swimming caps with the competitors but Jisung never participated for he found it to be awkward to just approach a stranger like that. Chenle, on the other hand, didn't seem to think twice before he jumped on top of a scrawny boy who looks back at him as he had seen a ghost. “Wanna trade cap?” The Chinese yells making the stranger flinch.

“S-sure.” He nods and hands him the orange cap then smiles softly when Chenle gives his green one.

“Yours is so pretty!”

Somehow a conversation starts from there. Renjun, the name of the stranger as they later find out, picked up on Chenle’s accent and from then on they had bonded over being Chinese. Jisung could only watch by the side, awkwardly fidgeting as they spoke excitedly.

Deep inside of him a little voice confirms that he would see more of Renjun, a whole lot in fact. And for some unknown reason, Jisung wants to puke at the thought.

  
  


 

The ticking of the clock fills his ears, here and there a car would pass by and disturb the annoying _melody._ Jisung looks at his diary, blank page stared back at him waiting to be inked only to stay white as new for the boy’s hand hadn't moved since he had first opened the book. It was always like that, Jisung didn't know how to start, so he never did.

Only issue with it all was the reprimands he knew he'd get from Mrs. Park and his mother, it was a simple task after all. The woman had begged for him to simply write down what he had eaten at best, but Jisung felt that was just a waste of paper. If he was to use them, at least he should use them right. Not with some useless facts about his meals that not even God would care to read.

He licks his lips and scratches his scalp with frustration.

**_Hello_ **

Finally, after minutes of trying to get himself to write something down, that's all that comes out. It was pathetic really, Jisung couldn't understand why it was so hard to talk to a sheet of paper as if it could actually judge him.

**_Hello, why does eveything hurt?_ **

He stares at his writing, he stares for so long and so hard the words don't seem like words. And then it was as if the paper was laughing at him, all he could hear echoing in his head was laughter.

Jisung decides to cross it all out.

He'd try the next day.

 

 

 

Dull, cold, harsh. Jisung trembles when those eyes meet his, even more so when a feeling of familiarity follows. He lets out a tremulous breath and takes a few steps back, the eyes become smaller, a face begins to come together, and then when he's far away enough, Jisung stops breathing entirely.

“Lele…” The boy murmurs and walks closer again but the other doesn't budge, doesn't react the slightest. It was if he was dead, just a corpse. “Le, are you stuck here with me?”

Silence. Jisung can't seem to find comfort in the familiarity of his gaze.

He places his hands on his friend’s shoulder but feels nothing even if he could clearly see his hand wrinkle the shirt underneath. “Talk to me, or are you not real?” Nothing. “I suppose you're not real.”

But just as he turns around to roam through the room to try and find an escape just like usual, something pulls him back harshly making him fall on his butt. He groans in pain then look up to find Chenle’s cold dark eyes judging him, it makes his legs start to shake as well as his lips. He's scared, that was not Chenle no matter how much it seemed to be.

Hot tears start pouring out and running down his cheeks, he couldn't deal with that gaze a second longer. The boy curls into a ball with his knees pressed against his forehead and sobs loudly, all he wanted was to stop dreaming of that place and of horrible things. He missed the old times where dreaming didn’t scare him, in which dreams consisted of jumping on giant mushrooms and riding unicorns, it had been months since he last had a peaceful dream and he felt himself starting to go insane.

“Sungie.”

He snaps his head up right away, instead of dark eyes he’s met with the usual sparkly orbs that always managed to spread warmness all over his body. A single tear runs down his cheek and then his crying ceases as Chenle falls onto his knees in front of him while smiling softly like he often would whenever he noticed Jisung wasn’t feeling so good.

“It’ll be over someday.”

“What will?” Jisung furrows his eyebrows and moves closer to his friend.

“Whatever is hurting.” He grins. “It’ll be over someday.”

The boy mirrors his smile, his face lights up filled with hope. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

Jisung jumps on top of Chenle to engulf him in a big hug, but instead of feeling the cozyness he was so used to, he finds himself hugging the air when he opens his eyes again. Then, as if someone had knocked him over, his surroundings start to lose colour until he’d surrounded by pure darkness.

 

He wakes up in his bedroom with the red light of his phone blinking somewhere casting shadows all over the walls. “I made it out.” The boy flops back down, his head hits the pillow with a loud thud. He chuckles to himself and a smile spreads across his lips.

  
  


 

“Come onnn, you could come over if you wanted to!” Chenle whines with big pout on his lips even if his friend technically couldn’t see it.

Renjun huffs on the other side of the line. “Mom wouldn’t let me out on my own at fourteen! Are you insane?”

“Well but you can try!”

“Why don’t you come over.”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

A silence falls for a few seconds before both burst out laughing, Chenle feels tears form on his eyes and wipes them off while chuckling lightly. “Okay but am i really going to have to come over?”

“Only if your parents allow it.” Renjun makes a choked up noise before he corrects himself. “The Wongs, therefore.”

“Do you always speak like an old man or is that just when you speak Chinese?” The other teases sensing how tense Renjun had become, even if he wasn’t actually looking at his friend.

Renjun barks out a laugh that hurts Chenle’s ears. “I suppose just in Chinese. But don’t mock me child, i’m older than you.”

“As if i care.”

The conversation drags on and on until Mrs. Wong comes knocking at the boy’s door to warn him that his bedtime was approaching and he should start saying goodbye to Renjun. “Aw you still have a bedtime.”

“Aw go check your joints old man.” Is all he says before hanging up with cheeky smile on his face as if he had made the best joke in the entire universe. To him, he supposed he had.

He runs all around the house to give a goodnight kiss to everyone before sprinting back inside his room and turning off the lights. His mind was racing with plans to visit Renjun since both of them were pretty tired of not seeing each other and the next competition wouldn’t come for at least two months. Chenle liked to see people face to face and even if calling Renjun fun, it just never was the same thing.

The scenarios and possibilities keep on popping inside his head nonstop to the point where when he tells himself it’s time to actually sleep, he seems unable to stop himself from letting his brain thrift back to the same thing. He opens his eyes and groans but then furrows his eyebrows when he notices a light coming in through his window. It had been years since the government had decided to turn off streetlights after a certain time to save up, so it made no sense that light was coming through so late at night — 1 a.m according to the clock by his bed stand.

Chenle wobbles his way to the window and peeks outside, right ahead into Jisung’s room. He could see his friend’s still frame, it seemed Jisung was staring into nothingness as if he was sleeping but with the lights turned on. His eyebrows knit together in confusion, he considers calling his friend but if Mrs. Wong found out he was up so late, he’d be in big trouble.

He supposed he could ask him tomorrow, hopefully he would remember.

As he snuggles against his pillow, Chenle seems to forget entirely about the odd event for his brain was too tired and not used to being awake so late. And so, it doesn’t take very long until he falls into a deep peaceful sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these three videos inspire me to write!! i thought it'd be nice to share uwu [1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMttlxSpAQ8) [2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnN81fIvlhs) [3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isIlDIrs9Yk)


	3. don't forget to look after it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man this is probably filled with typos and awkward sentences it's so long that it's hard for me to check it properly :-( bear w me!!
> 
> sorry for always taking ages to finish a chapter btw, i suppose it's a long one so it makes up for it (hopefully) so enjoy <3

**T** he dizziness had become a constant, Jisung couldn’t remember how life felt before he had started having nightmares. Sadly, they had not ceased after Chenle had made an appearance in his dream, instead it seemed they had started happening more and more often. Jisung felt his head near combustion with the lack of sleep over those long couple of months.

“Renjun says he is visiting China this year.” His friend pouts. “I want to go too!”

“Why don’t you try and ask for them to take you too?” Eric proposes before shoving rice down his throat hungrily.

Chenle rubs his chin and then quirks one eyebrow up. “Well… i suppose i could.” His whole face seems to light up, and whereas before that would be enough for Jisung to feel good too, it just wasn’t sufficient then. In fact, he sulks even more. “Sung, why aren’t you playing with your friends?”

_ Why? You want me to go?  _ “I feel i might pass out if i even move.” He grumbles quietly and then shrieks when Chenle wraps his arms around his shoulders and squeezes the skinnier boy’s body so harshly he fears his bones would break. “Le…”

“Have you been more skinny?” The boy pouts worriedly.

“He’s probably just growing.” Sunwoo shrugs.

“Clearly…” Haknyeon huffs bitterly and the rest chuckle. “It’s not fair, he’s younger than us.”

Jisung pokes his tongue out and then grins brightly even if deep down his head was pounding with every single move he made. “Drink more milk.”

“I drink too much already thank you very much!” The boy snarls as he stabs a piece of meat with his chopstick. “Some people are just born lucky.”

“Oh yeah…” Jisung rolls his eyes. “I’m  _ so  _ lucky.”

It must’ve come out way too bitter for Chenle gives him yet another worried look that he has to brush off. Truthfully, Jisung hated worrying his friend the most. It wasn’t like there was anything Chenle could do to help so, in his opinion, it was best to simply pretend there was nothing going on. 

  
  
  
  


It was one of those rare occasions where his mother would allow him to sleep over at Chenle’s place. As time passed by it seemed that the chances of her agreeing on it just kept getting slimmer, and if Jisung was to ask her why he wasn’t allowed, his mother would start rambling about how he should pay more attention to his studies. But, the thing was, what studies was he supposed to focus on if it was summer vacation? And plus, she never seemed nearly as bothered whenever he asked to go out and meet his other friends. It was just another one of those things that he could never get an answer to, instead he nodded and accepted it.

So whenever he was granted the chance to have his way, Jisung always promised himself to make the best out of it.

“Okay what movie should we watch?” Chenle plops in front of his friend and taps his bottom lip. “I’ve been addicted to Studio Ghibli movies lately, what do you think?”

“I never watched any.” Jisung admits in a whisper.

His friend gasps and then claps excitedly. “Perfect! I’m sure you going to love it.”

Hours go by, Jisung loses himself in the stories and the comfort of Chenle’s body pressed against his. They only ever change positions to eat from the trays filled with snacks that Mrs.Wong had left a few hours previously.

If Jisung was to be the uttermost honest with himself, he missed the physical contact the most. He was not the touchiest person,  _ at all _ , but he had grown used to the comfort of having Chenle all over him. So much so that the distance his new friends kept from each other felt too foreign, it was all very cold. He feared to even lay a finger on them. 

As he snaps back to reality after losing himself in his thoughts, the boy subconsciously pulls Chenle closer as if the other would slip away if he didn’t. The other shoots him a confused look, that Jisung doesn't seem to catch, but soon softens up again and lays his head on the boy’s shoulder without asking any questions. 

The second movie comes to an end. Chenle crawls out of Jisung’s embrace to come closer to the computer. “I think we should change… How about thriller?” Jisung nods, he didn’t really mind anything. To be honest he just wanted Chenle to come back next to him quickly.

It turns out Chenle becomes loud while watching action movies _ ,  _ he doesn’t stop talking the entire time and if there was some suspense, the boy would increase his commentary. Not that Jisung would ever complain, in fact he finds it quite funny that his friend would try to hide his fear behind witty comments. 

The one time he does end up being quiet is when Jisung last expects it. He seemed so captivated as the two main leads moved closer to each other — at a very slow and dramatic pace, of course — and then kiss. Jisung had seen a few of those, but he still could never understand how they worked. It seemed their mouths were just fighting each other in a weird manner that made his whole body recoil, but Chenle seemed mesmerized by it. 

“Are you curious on how it feels to kiss sometimes?” The boy breathes out once the scene ends.

“I suppose.” Jisung refuses to take his eyes off the screen but he could still feel his friend burn holes on the side of his face. “It looks a bit disgusting.” 

“Really?!” Chenle snorts. “If it is disgusting, why do so many people like it?”

Jisung blinks a few times, there was no way he could answer that question, he wasn’t sure what to even reply back. So he finally turns his head to look at his friend whose eyes were shining even with the lack of illumination. “I don’t know.”

The room becomes quiet again apart from the dramatic music coming from the movie, another villain was on the run it seemed but Jisung couldn’t really process any of the images flashing in front of his eyes. He could still feel Chenle’s gaze on him from time to time as if he was hesitant to speak. 

Finally he does.

“Jisung.” He starts softly. “You never kiss right?”

His mouth feels dry all of a sudden so he reaches out for the glass cup on the tray that still had a bit of orange juice in it. He drinks it slowly and then licks his lips. “No. Of course i haven’t.”

“Me neither.” His words linger in the air and echo in Jisung’s head. He nods awkwardly, what was he supposed to say to that? “Can we kiss?”

Jisung lets out a cough and then slams his hand on top of his chest a few times, Chenle jumps in front of his to make sure he was doing okay but that only makes Jisung start coughing even more. It is only when the boy closes his eyes and tries to breathe properly that he can finally talk. But words don’t come even then.

“We don’t have to, it was suggestion.” Chenle pats the top of his head gently.

The other shakes his head. “I was just surprised, that’s all.”

Chenle puts his hand on top of Jisung and notices just how bad it was trembling, a faint smile forms on his lips at the realisation. He stares deep into Jisung’s eyes until the boy seemed to calm down t properly before closing his and tilting his head like he had noticed people do in the movies they’d often watch together. Jisung keeps staring at Chenle, cross-eyed with the closeness of it all, until he feels something brush against his lips lightly. He closes his eyes tightly at the contact and tries to relax his body that had become stiff at the realisation of what exactly was about to happen. 

Suddenly, an urge to grab the other takes over him. Jisung didn’t really know why, if it was impatience or not, but he grabs Chenle’s shoulder and clashes his lips against the boy’s face before he could think about it too much. Chenle lets out a muffled chuckle, and surely that wasn’t the right response to a kiss. Well, not accordingly to the movies at least, so he furrows his eyebrows and opens his eyes only to find out he had just kissed the boy’s chin instead of his lips.

“Don’t go ahead of yourself, see what happen?” The other shoots him a toothy smile before covering Jisung’s cheeks with the palms of his hands so to lead him into the correct place (which was definitely not his chin). 

Jisung breathes in sharply just as Chenle presses his plush lips against his, his body hurts from just how tense his muscles had become at the contact. Chenle pulls apart not even two seconds later and pokes Jisung lips. 

“You’re tense.” He chuckles once more and then pats his friend’s shoulder. “Anyways, should we watch another one?”

He nods faintly. His whole body was numb, his brain frozen, he could only sit in the same spot and follow Chenle with his eyes. There was a ever growing need building up inside of him to stop Chenle in his tracks just so they could repeat the kiss but Chenle seemed to have moved on and Jisung couldn’t believe the excitement of it all wasn’t reciprocated by the other. After all, Chenle had been the one asking for it, then why did it seem the was the one not satisfied?

Jisung’s shoulders sag, his eyes drop for a second before he forces himself to look as neutral as possible. He didn’t want Chenle to think he had done something wrong, for he had not. But the persistent feeling inside his chest would not leave. “Jisung? You’re quiet.” Chenle pouts.

“I’m processing.”

“You have to restart your software.” The boy smirks and pinches Jisung’s cheek. “Come, the movie is starting.”

  
  
  
  


Usually he'd feel nonchalant to the fact that he was trapped yet again inside that same room, but it seemed he had been graced with the visit of someone else that time around. As he walks closer, the shadow becomes clearer and clearer until Jisung finally recognises who exactly was in there with him. However, instead of happiness, all he feels is hurt when he notices what exactly was going on.

At first it's only a sting in his chest, then it's as if a tsunami wave almost knocks him down as he stares at his best friend's flushed face that was partly covered by someone else's. He couldn’t tell who it was, and it was as if his body refused to walk any closer to find out who exactly Chenle was kissing. In the end, Jisung supposed it didn't matter who it was, the feeling of betrayal had already taken over him anyways.

He doesn't stop to think about anything, to make sense of it all, he simply stares until his chest feels too heavy and he falls on his knees against the harsh cold floor. Maybe, if he was able to unlock his eyes from the scene, he would've panicked at how his scraped knees had now created a little puddle of blood. 

The pain worsens, not only his chest burnt but the stinging where the recent bruise had been created just kept on growing. No matter how much he cries or yells, the two boys don’t seem to hear since neither react. He can only watch in pure agony as Chenle's lips move against a stranger's.

Jisung closes his eyes and clenches his fists on top of his thighs before turning around and taking a deep breath. There was a way to end it, however painful it might be it was better than the newfound pain. At least now he had gotten used to the way the flames engulfed his body.

So he opens his eyes, that instantly lock with the familiar cross, and sighs in relief when his body starts to ache as the flames dance in front of him.

  
  
  
  
  


Small snowflakes stick to the bus’ window and slowly melt until they're nothing more than a water droplet. Jisung watches as the droplet runs down the window and disappears from his camp of vision then looks up again and focuses on yet another snowflake. 

Weirdly enough, the drive seems to go by way faster that way. The sound of his teammates seemed muffled for his brain seemed to be distant in another planet, so much so that he doesn't even hear Chenle call out for him to inform him that they had arrived. 

He stares at his friend with wide eyes after being violently shook back to reality and then nods weakly before grabbing his coat. “Slept well?” Chenle asks when they're already outside, both of his cheeks had already turned into a pretty shade of pink with how rigorous the winter weather was. 

“I wasn't-” Jisung starts but gets cut off by the impact of his bag square on his face. He glares at his teammate for not having warned him beforehand and then turns to his friend again. “Excited?”

Chenle nods vigorously and fists the air, Jisung could see the excitement sparkle in his dark eyes. “Let's win!” He cheers as he locks their arms together and heads towards the entrance. 

Jisung lets out a puff of air and cuddles closer to his friend for warmth. “You think we'll win?”

“Why always so pessimistic?” Chenle whines and pinches the taller boy’s cheek, giggling at how stretchy Jisung’s skin was. “Of course we win.”

And if Chenle said so, who was Jisung to counterattack? 

  
  


“Where do you think this ladder leads up to?” Jisung murmurs just before Chenle sprints past him and almost knocks the door down while trying to open it. 

“Woah!” He exclaims then turns around to face the other with a big grin. “Roof!”

Jisung walks up the ladder and then steps out right next to Chenle, ahead the city lights shone brightly even under the fog. He walks closer to the edge to get a better view and then leans on the metal railing in pure silence as the chilly breeze messes up his hair. His hands were frozen and turning into a mix of blue and purple hues, the tip of his nose had turned red just like his cheeks and he couldn’t feel his face anymore, but the boy refused to move from his place until Chenle started whining about how cold he was. 

Before they head back in, the younger steals one last glance at the breathtaking view and then closes the door behind him. Chenle wastes no time in intertwining their hands so he could nag the boy. “You going to get sick.” He huffs as he rubs their hands together. “Idiot.”

“I’ll be fine, i barely get sick!” Jisung scoffs. “We should probably head back.”

Chenle nods and trails behind the taller. “Sure you not cold?” He asks quietly while staring at the boy’s hands that were still too purple for his liking.

Jisung puts his hands inside of his pockets and turns his head slightly to look at his friend. “I’m fine, Lele.”

“You say that often, don't know when it is true or not.” He mutters bitterly making Jisung’s body tense up, Chenle could clearly see the boy’s muscles contract through his shirt — that was way too small for him since the coach kept on underestimating just how tall the boy actually was. “So, are you cold, Jisung?”

The boy snorts and shakes his head. “I’m already warming up, don’t worry about me.”

“I always worry about you.” Chenle pushes with the same tone of before which only makes the younger tense up even more. “You don’t understand that.”

Silence falls between them, the only sound filling the halls was their flip flops smacking against the wet floor. They don’t speak, not even when they  finally find their group and the warm energy wraps around them both instead of the awkward cold atmosphere of before. 

Jisung refuses to look Chenle in the eye and the older was too annoyed to even bother with it, so he informs their coach he’d be wandering about some more. The other follows him with his eyes as he walks across the swimming pool towards one of their opponent teams and greets one of the boys with a big hug.

Jisung gulps and drops his eyes towards the dirty wet floor. He knew that was Renjun, who else could it be anyways?

  
  
  
  


Despite the awful start of the day, Jisung finds himself holding a medal by the end of the evening. And even if it wasn’t a big medal from a big event, it was still his first ever and he couldn’t believe he got to stand in the podium like he had always wished to. The moment he steps down, still admiring the shiny object, two arms wrap around his slim frame and squeeze tightly. In-between choking from how tight the embrace was, Jisung gets to let out a breathy ‘Thanks’ when Chenle congratulates him loudly — right next to his ear in fact, which probably made him temporarily deaf. 

“Can’t believe you won a medal before me!” The boy grins and, without thinking, places a quick kiss on Jisung’s cheek. “You deserve it.” 

Jisung massages his nape awkwardly as he feels his cheeks become warmer by the second. “Thank you, really.” He mumbles and then looks straight into his friends eyes, he wanted to apologise for that morning but didn’t know what exactly to say. Deep down, he wasn’t sorry for not burdening Chenle with his worries and problems since there wasn’t anything the older could do anyways, but he had looked so annoyed by his secrecy that suddenly all he wanted to do was spill everything out. 

Except he doesn’t get to, for the next thing he knows, Renjun joins them and starts chatting with Chenle comfortably. Jisung stands in front of them awkwardly, not knowing if he should try to butt in or leave. “Congratulations, Jisung!” Renjun exclaims and pats his shoulder.

The younger shoots him a half smile and nods. “Thanks.” He says dryly then turns to Chenle. “I’ll ask mom if i can sleepover since i’ve won a medal, sounds good?”

His friend nods excitedly and starts jumping up and down like a rabbit. “Oh yes, yes! Perfect! I hope she let!”

Jisung smiles fondly at him and suddenly forgets that they weren’t alone. He drifts his eyes towards Renjun who gives him a knowing smile that startles Jisung, he tries to get rid of his smile and goes back to his usual poker face right away. “Should i ask her for tomorrow?”

“No!” Chenle shakes his head and pouts. “For tonight!”

“Oh.” Jisung blinks a few times and then smiles softly without noticing that his plan to keep a poker face had gone down the drain so quickly. “Tonight it is then.”

“So nobody’s going to invite me over?” Renjun complains, totally ruining the mood and making Jisung’s smile drop right away. 

“No.” He whispers before heading back to his group to get ready to leave for the changing rooms leaving both Chenle and Renjun wide eyed at his sudden outburst.

Chenle clears his throat and waves his hand in front of his face. “Puberty!”

Renjun snorts and looks at Jisung as the boy swung his backpack on his shoulder with a frown on his face. “Indeed.”

  
  
  
  


Chenle throws his head back and closes his eyes. He focuses on the way the warm water felt against his skin and his whole body relaxes right away — which was very much needed after a long day of competitions — to the point where he started to drift into a peaceful sleep. That doesn’t last very long, the moment the boy started to actually drift away, a knock echoes inside the bathroom snapping him out of it.

“Yes?” He croaks out but refuses to move from his position.

The door creaks open, and as much as Chenle felt like remaining still, he also didn’t quite want to be seen naked like that. The boy flinches and quickly hides his body the best he could before looking up towards the door where Jisung stood with a nervous half smile on his face. “Can I join?”

He furrows his eyebrows with pure confusion. “What?”

“I mean- Like, you said you and Renjun hyung do it. I thought I could too you know?” Jisung explains hesitantly. “I’m your best friend I mean-“

“Sung.” Chenle chuckles and moves to the side of bathtub closest to the door. “Are you jealous?”

The boy’s eyes widen in shock, Chenle almost snorts at the innocence of it all. He wondered if Jisung didn’t see it himself that his actions poured with jealousy, sometimes it looked as if Jisung never quite thought twice about anything he felt. “That’s not it!” He shrieks. “I just never thought about doing that and then you mentioned it so… Can i?”

Chenle presses his lips tightly together to force down his laughter and nods. “Sure.” He moves back to where he was previously but, this time, with his knees pressed against his chest. This wasn’t Renjun, even if Jisung was his lifelong friend he couldn’t help but be hyper aware how nude he was. “Should I add a bath bomb?”

Jisung blinks back at him mid taking his pants off and then looks around the room. “Where do you keep them?” He asks in a quiet and tiny voice as if he was suddenly just as embarrassed as Chenle.

“I’ll get-“ The other starts but shuts himself right away. “Nevermind. They in the second drawer, there.”

“Which should I pick?” Jisung tilts his head cutely, Chenle can’t help but smile fondly at the action. “Oh this one looks cool!” The boy holds up a sparkly blue one filled with grey stars. “You like it?”

“I buy them, course I do dummy.” He quirks his eyebrows teasingly, Jisung cocks his head down with embarrassment before closing the drawer and walking closer to Chenle to hand him the ball. “It is one of my favourites.”

Jisung smiles brightly at that and puts one foot inside the tub hesitantly. “Oh it’s warm.”

“I’m not going to take an ice bath, what did you expect?” Chenle snorts and waits for the boy to finally sit parallel to him. Jisung shrugs and mumbles out a ‘I guess’ before analysing the object on Chenle’s hand. “Should we try it then?”

The boy nods excitedly and watches closely as his friend lowered his hands. He gasps loudly and covers his mouth with his hand when the fizzy sound fills the room, Chenle giggles at the reaction and lets go of the bathbomb. Jisung’s eyes never leave the object dissolving in front of him, he was so into it that he didn’t notice the way Chenle’s eyes sparkled with adoration as he looked at him.

“This is so cool!” Jisung exclaims and takes a handful of now blue water. “I never tried one of these.”

Chenle chuckles and splashes a bit of water in the boy’s direction who starts coughing not even a second after. “You okay? Oh my god!” Chenle cups his friend’s face with worry and forces him to look into his eyes to make sure Jisung was okay.

“Oh you’re so going to get a payback for that one.” Jisung coughs out and smirks devilishly before splashing his fair share of water in Chenle’s face. “Karma!”

“Guess that’s fair.” Chenle says mid coughing the water out of his mouth but doesn’t let Jisung laugh for too long for the next second he’s shoving his friend’s face against the water. “Your hair needed to be wet!” He bats his eyelashes feigning innocence.

Jisung scowls and runs his hands through his now half wet locks quietly, Chenle could only try to prepare himself for the other’s soon to come attack. “Were you trying to drown me, Mr. Zhong?”

“Maybe so.” He smirks. “Should I do it again? It appear to not have worked.” The other scoffs just as he comes closer and puts his hand on Chenle’s nape, his ridiculously long fingers easily wrap around the boy’s  neck making him shriek in fear. “Wait no-“

Before the other could utter another word, his face was already underwater. What Chenle would often forget was that Jisung had grown to become ten times stronger than him, so no matter how much he would try he couldn’t win against him.

Chenle wheezes out for hair when Jisung finally lets go not even five seconds later and shoots his friend a death glare. “What? You asked for it! Don’t look at me like that.” Jisung shrugs smugly and leans against the bathtub’s wall.

“You dickhead, you forget how strong you are.” The boy breathes out and flips his friend off.

“No.” Jisung cracks one of his eyes open to look at the other, the smug smirk didn’t seem to fade and it was making Chenle want to shove the boy’s face inside the water again. But he knew better now. “ _ You  _ forget how strong I am.”

“Blah blah.” Chenle rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest. “Slenderman looking-“ He grumbles while massaging his throat. “You’re scary.”

Jisung licks his lips, it didn't seem like his smugness would be going away anytime soon. “Not my fault you stopped growing when you turned thirteen.”

“Excuse me! I did not look like this when I was thirteen.” Chenle fights and growls when Jisung hums in response. “If you wake up bald tomorrow, don’t act surprised.” He threatens and copies his friend’s position.

“You wouldn’t.”

“Would I not, though?”

He hears the sound of Jisung moving in the tub but doesn’t bother to open his eyes. “You wouldn’t, would you?” Jisung sounds actually afraid, it makes Chenle want to cackle.

Chenle shoots him a fake smile with his eyes closed and then shrugs. “Guess you’ll find out, won’t you?” He teases and ignores the way Jisung whines helplessly. “Good luck explaining the whole school that you don’t actually have cancer.” Chenle says before pushing his friend away with his foot.

“I hate you.” Jisung mumbles.

“I’m sure you do.”

  
  
  
  


The scenery seemed to have changed for the first time ever, instead of finding himself inside the same creepy building, it seemed he was trapped inside his room instead. 

He tries turning the handle, but to no avail, it doesn't budge. It wasn't so bad though since it was a familiar location, then again he had no clue how to get out of the dream if he wanted to. And that, in many ways, was more frightening than being forced to visit that place every single night. 

Jisung swallows down the fear and focuses on the familiarity of it all, he extends his arm and lightly touches the books on his shelf using the pad of his index finger. He drags it across dozens of books, many of which he still had to read but always forgot. They had been given by his family, mostly his mother for she believed him to be capable of great things. Jisung remembered vividly the day she had come home on his birthday with a bag filled with books, and when he had complained — just like any other seven year old would after being gifted unwanted books for their birthday — she shut him up right away saying that he should never forget to read so he would become wiser. 

Truth be told, Jisung never read them. Not half, at least. And sometimes those words would haunt him, especially whenever he'd receive a bad grade. Part of him believed that those books would've helped him do better, even if technically they had nothing to do with his test. Still, if his mother had said… 

He snaps out of it and his eyes focus in the cover of the book he was touching, he then looks back and notices the shelves behind him were empty. When he looks back at his hand, he finds it hovering in the air and the book nowhere to be seen. “What?” The boy whispers as he presses his finger onto the hardcover of the next book and then gasps when it fades away too. 

Jisung runs around his room, giggling here and there with relief that the burden of having to be surrounded by those books was gone. But just as he jumps onto his bed, with a grin that illuminated the entire room, the boy notices that one of the books was still standing alone in one of the shelves.

It doesn't take long for him to understand why the dark green cover looked so familiar, the golden writing gives it away. 

Jisung’s body tenses up, suddenly memories of Chenle’s hand on his flash across his eyes, and he swore he could feel the plush lips move against his. Like the ghost of his friend was right there with him, he could feel but not see. He couldn't tell if the pressure on his chest came from Chenle’s body pressed against his, or if it was the guilt building up inside of him by the second. 

Still, whatever it was, he couldn't bear to face the book for one second longer. Jisung runs towards it filled with what he supposed was anger, and snatches the book so to throw it somewhere else inside the room. Except, no matter how much he shook his hand, it was as if the hardcover had been glued to his skin and refused to let go.

Jisung cries with frustration and then glares at the letters looking back at him, as if judging him by simply existing. 

**HOLY BIBLE** it read. He stares at the cover hoping that the fear he had for that simple object would go away the longer he looked, but his hands wouldn't stop shaking no matter what. 

Just as he was about to try and get rid of the book once again, the writing seems to light up, sparkling under the evening sunrays and hurting his eyes with its intensity. Jisung hisses and closes his eyes. 

He dares crack one eye open when the brightness seems to fade away, only to find his clock's red blinking light colour the ceiling like usual. 

A long heavy sigh leaves his lips, his whole body deflates like a pierced balloon. The badly illuminated shelves were still filled with the same old books that he was used to, and the Bible stood graciously in the middle of the mess, as if glowing on its own. 

Jisung closes his eyes again, shutting them so tight that the muscles on his eyelids hurt.  

  
  
  
  
  


A knock on the door makes Chenle fall on the floor with surprise. It was too soon to be Mrs. Wong telling him that dinner was ready, he was expecting to be left alone for at least two more hours.

Before he could even open the door, Jisung is already inside the room looking like a zombie. “Sung? Are you okay?” He asks softly and crawls closer to his friend. “You look-“

“Terrible, yes.” He whispers and walks towards the messy bed without even looking at his friend. His movements were slow, slug like, as if his legs weighted ten times more. “I’m sorry.”

Chenle hovers above his friend and furrows his eyesbrows when Jisung doesn’t even react, his unfocused eyes stared right back at his but Chenle knew Jisung wasn’t actually seeing him. “What happened?” The boy waves his hand on top of the other’s face worriedly. “You’re scaring me.”

Silence. The only sound filling the room was the sound of them breathing, it was so calming that Chenle almost gives up and lets himself fall on top of the boy so he could take a nap. But just as he was about to do that, Jisung suddenly grabs his forearm and his gaze seems to focus again. “I’m so grateful-“ He blurts out but the words die out right away, so he coughs a little before trying again. “That I have you.” His strangled voice makes Chenle’s heart melt, it was obvious how hard it was for him to actually voice it out loud, but more importantly there had to be a reason for him to even want to voice his emotions like that. It wasn’t like him to do so.

“Jisung.” He murmurs while caressing the other’s hair. “I’m glad to have you too, you know that.”

“Right.” Jisung closes his eyes and bites his trembling lip. “Sorry.”

“Stop saying sorry, what is going on?” Chenle presses on even if he hated to do so, he just wanted to help his friend but Jisung doesn’t respond. “I’m worried please, please, talk to me what happened for you to be acting so weird?”

“Can you hug me?” He croaks out.

Chenle’s eyes widen in shock and surprise but he doesn’t hesitate before letting himself fall on top of his friend and moving his arms around the boy's torso tightly. “I love you.” He says, loud and clear. It felt freeing, but also hurt in a way, because those words meant much more to him than to Jisung. Even so, he knew his friend needed to hear it.

“Love you too.” Jisung whispers really,  _ really _ softly against the boy’s soft locks. Chenle almost misses it from how faint it had come out, but the moment his brain processes what the words meant, his whole body erupts with fireworks.

He forces himself to act calm, but the words triggered something within him that he didn’t even know he could feel. It wasn’t like he didn’t know Jisung loved him, but hearing it was different. It made it real, and even if it wasn’t in the way Chenle would like it to be, it was still something.

The urge to ask for him to say it again was overwhelming but Chenle swallows it down and instead tries to enjoy how clingy Jisung was being, lately it had become almost rare. He never mentioned it to Jisung, of course, but he could see how much distant he had become over time and it hurt deep down. But he was aware people change, that it wasn’t Jisung’s fault, so he kept it to himself.

“There’s so much I want to say, and I can’t.” Jisung finally breaks the silence, stirring Chenle awake from his thoughts.

“Why?”

Jisung sighs. “Because the words won’t leave, they swim in my brain but refuse to leave.”

Chenle rubs his face against his friend’s chest. “That’s okay. I mean not really but it’s okay still, it’s not your fault.” He looks up at Jisung and smiles faintly. “Whatever makes you comfortable is okay, I wish I could read your head.”

The other chuckles and quirks his eyebrows up. “Don’t know if that’s a good idea either.” He lets out, cringing right away when he realises that he had said that out loud.

“Oh.”

Silence falls inside the room once more. Chenle couldn't help but wonder what exactly went through Jisung’s head and why he had come over to abruptly and started acting so weirdly with him. “Sung, have you ever considered that…” He starts and looks up at his friend's eyes. “You might have anxiety.”

Jisung furrows his eyebrows and shakes his head. “What even is that?” 

Chenle sits up on top of Jisung’s legs, sighing deeply as he types something on his phone. “Read this, then tell me what you think.”

At first the younger seems hesitant but still grabs the phone and starts reading, Chenle watches as his eyebrows unknit and his expression becomes more relaxed. Then, a tear rolls down his cheek just as he puts the phone down. “I hate this.”

“Sung…”

“Mom wouldn't believe me.”

Chenle stares at him in silence with a sympathetic look. He knew his friend was right, and there wasn't much either of them could do without an actual professional getting involved. “I shouldn't have mentioned it-”

“No.” Jisung grabs his friends hand and squeezes it tightly. “Thank you, all this time i thought i was insane and weird. I guess i can't treat it but it still helped. Don't feel guilty.”

“Okay.” Chenle nods and lets himself flop on top of his friend again with his head on the boy’s chest. The calming heartbeat and Jisung’s steady breathing lulls him to sleep in no time. 

  
  
  
  
  


Chenle stares at the boy sitting parallel to him with fondness pouring out of eyes. He thought Jisung looked ethereal under the yellow light of the living room with one of his plain cozy white shirts and messy hair from playing around the whole evening. A cough snatches his attention away from the boy, Chenle reluctantly drifts his eyes towards the source of the sound and finds Mrs. Park shooting him one of her typical yellow smiles that made him feel awfully uneasy.

It was as if she knew. 

“I’ve heard some awkward rumours about you, Chenle.” She cleans the corners of her mouth in an overly polite manner, Chenle could feel his body shut down right there and then. “That you’re gay and such.”

An awkward silence fills the room, a heavy and painful one that weighted down on his chest like a rock had just been dropped on top of it. The boy lets out a wheezy exhale and then clears his throat. “Yeah. Those aren’t just rumours.”

Time seems to freeze the moment his lips seal shut, he can only gather the courage to move his gaze towards his friend who looked back with pure terror in his face. Chenle had never seen him paler, Jisung looked more scared of it all than he was and that was saying something.

“Care to repeat-“

“Yes Chenle is gay.” Mrs. Wong interferes obviously annoyed with the whole situation. “Is there something wrong with that?”

The other woman gasps, if he wasn’t so anxious he would’ve found it comical. “Why of course! That’s… an aberration.”

_ A what?  _ Chenle feels his body become numb to it all, and if he was watching the scene unfold in front of his eyes from a third person's perspective. “Excuse me which century did you pop from? An aberration?!” Mr. Wong drags his chair across the floor furiously, if looks could kill then Mrs. Park would be seven feet underground by then. “Out.” He demands coldly.

“Gladly!” The woman stands up and grabs Jisung’s wrist. “We’re leaving.”

Jisung whimpers out but lets himself be dragged out of the room without ever breaking eye contact with Chenle who kept a sad smile on his face the entire time. 

When the front door slams shut, Chenle instantly collapses on the floor and turns into a crying mess. Yukhei picks him up and sits on the sofa with the tinier boy on his lap to comfort him in any way he possibly could. Chenle barely had the energy to snuggle closer to the other’s body. He places his head against the Yukhei’s chest and wraps his arms around his muscly torso before another wave of sadness hits him like a tsunami making more hot tears rolls down his cheek onto Yukhei’s shirt. 

“It’ll be okay, she can’t tear you apart.” The boy mumbles softly against Chenle’s locks while rocking their bodies together. “Jisung loves you, he wouldn’t drop you like that.”

_ Jisung loves you.  _ Chenle can only howl in pain at that.

  
  
  


It had been days, Chenle felt like his body was decaying with the lack of Jisung in his life by then. Nobody ever questioned whenever he’d show up with red puffy eyes, everyone knew how much the absence of the other and the uncertainties of what the future would look from then on affected him. Chenle trusted Jisung with his life but,  _ damnit _ , he could not help but wonder if he was going to lose the person he loved the most in the entire world over the fact that he loved boys. It all sounded ridiculous, it  _ was.  _ But what could he do but go with the flow? Jisung’s mother was more powerful than they were.

 

The first day back to school came around. The boy pondered if he should pretend he was ill so he wouldn’t have to go, but he knew the Wongs knew better. So there he was, snail walking his way to school while Renjun rambled about something he wasn’t really paying attention to through the phone speakers. Renjun knew that the other wasn’t actually hearing a single word he said, but he also knew that the comforting sound of his voice made it somewhat bearable for Chenle to keep walking ahead and not turn on his heels and head right back home.

He shrieks when he feels a strong force pull him backwards but then a glimpse of a familiar hand shows up in his camp of vision and he hurriedly tells Renjun he would call him back later.

“Hi-“ Jisung starts but Chenle wastes no time in jumping on top of him full of glee. The boy wraps his arms around the other and squeezes their bodies together in a suffocating manner.

“Oh god i missed you so much.” He sobs, eyes starting to become sparkly with tears. “I was going to die.”

Jisung gives the other one last squeeze. “I missed you too, Lele, but I couldn’t contact you… She was watching over every single move i made. She took away every picture of you i owned. I-“

“What the fuck.” Chenle bites his lip to prevent it from shaking. “So we can’t… Talk?”

“I had to pretend i was clueless. She thinks she's saving me from you.” Jisung rubs his face painfully hard. “And i can’t… i can’t say anything…”

Chenle takes the boy’s hand in his and smiles softly. “We still have school, right?”

“Technically yes. But she could easily find out we talk.”

“Are you saying that it’s over? Is this a goodbye?”

Jisung shrieks and shakes his head so fast Chenle was scared his neck would break. “No! Not at all. I want to be your friend forever until the day i die.”

Chenle lets out a choked up giggle and kisses Jisung’s soft cheek leaving the other speechless at the sudden gesture. Chenle couldn’t care anymore, though. “I love you, I hope this isn’t a goodbye.”

“It isn’t, i would never erase you from my life.”

  
  


“I find it amusing.” Eric cackles. “He’s really out there trying his best but look at the way she's looking at him.”

Chenle sighs deeply while looking across the room where Jisung sat with his friends happily giggling at whatever they had said. For once he would beg to deal with those annoying brats just to spend more time with Jisung.

“You’re not listening.” His friend states nonchalantly.

“I’m sorry.” The boy pouts.

“It’s okay, i understand.” Eric looks over to where Chenle had previously been staring at. “You want to join them?”

Chenle sighs again. “Would you go with me?” Eric nods and shrugs right after as if saying  _ And Why Not?  _ “Okay, I’ll ask Jisung when i can.”

“Why not now?”

“Have to gather the courage first!”

“He’s your best friend.” Eric facepalms slightly too hard and hisses right after.

The boy scoffs. “Yeah and I’m in love with him so i get nervous and what about it?” He almost snarls at the other who puts his arms up in surrender. “Good boy, so what were you saying that i wasn’t paying attention to?”

Eric glares at him and then points somewhere behind him. “Changmin was at it with that popular girl again, and she clearly wanted nothing but death. Totes hilarious poor boy doesn’t get a clue.”

“People who don’t get a clue hurt my soul.” Chenle cringes.

“Well your boy is just stupid at this point.” His friend scoffs and goes pack to poking his vegetables with his fork.

“Excu- You’re right whatever.” He lets out a defeated sigh. “He’s an hetero, heteros are dumb.”

Eric throws a piece of tomato in his direction which ends up landing on the boys cheek. “Gee thanks!”

Chenle takes the food of his face with disgust and throws it back so it lands right back inside the plate. “It is factual and you know it.”

“Whatever.” The boy finishes his food, making sure to keep the piece of tomato aside and then hums to catch Chenle’s attention. “I need help with Maths, crash at mines later today?”

He nods right away. It’d be a nice distraction, he knew he’d spend the rest of the afternoon moping around about how he couldn’t freely hang with Jisung anymore. At least then he could forget about the boy’s existence.

  
  
  
  


Chenle pokes Jisung’s hip to catch the boy’s attention while they did their warm up before practice started. The other looks down at him and smiles softly. “What is?”

“I have something to ask you.” The smile on the other’s face drops just as quickly as it had formed. “It’s nothing bad, don’t worry.” Jisung mumbles a ‘Sorry’ and continues stretching his arm while waiting for Chenle to keep going. “Would it be weird for Eric and i to sit with you during lunch break?”

Jisung goes stiff right away, Chenle can’t help but frown at that. “Uh.” He licks his lips nervously. “Thought you hated them?”

“I do! But i miss you.”

The other chuckles awkwardly. “Le…”

“Nevermind then.” He whispers bitterly and sneakily moves away from his friend, he couldn’t care if he was being petty. That hurt, that hurt so much more than anything Jisung had said to him so far. And the list was pretty damn big, the boy was an idiot.

“Chenle come back.” Jisung grabs his wrist forcing the other to come closer once again. “Please i don’t want you to get involved with them, they’re not friends i don’t… It’s just i don’t want both of my worlds to crash like that? I don’t know, Le, but i miss hanging with you too. I wouldn’t be myself with them there.”

Chenle forces Jisung to let go off his wrist and goes on his knees on the mat to do the last warm up exercise, he puts his arms behind his head without uttering a single word to Jisung. It made sense, in a way it did, but Chenle couldn’t understand why Jisung would fake a personality like that, what was he gaining from it? Friends? Even he admitted that was not what they were.

“Please talk to me.” Jisung shows up right in front of him, kneeing as well. His hands nervously make their way on top of Chenle’s thigh as if begging for some sort of reaction. “You know i miss you.”

“I still want to be with you, Jisung.” He says with his eyes closed as he pretended to be focusing on the exercise, but all he could think about was the hand resting on his thigh burning the skin underneath. “You don’t look like you want to be with me, though.”

Jisung squeezes the soft skin of Chenle’s thigh and if the other wasn’t pleased to have Jisung be touchy in public then he would’ve probably hissed in pain. Instead he keeps a poker face. “Stop, that’s not true i’m just scared. If my mom finds out i’m screwed, i don’t know what she’ll do and that scares me. Because i prefer to see you from afar or a few times than to never see you again.”

Chenle finally opens his eyes, his whole body deflates when he sees how sad Jisung’s eyes looked. He was weak, really he knew he was. But Jisung was staring at him as if the world was going to collapse if he didn’t give him what he wanted. “When could we meet if not here or school? I can’t just keep going not hanging with you forever. That’s not going to do the trick.”

“I know that. I’ll find a day.” He tries cracking a smile that ends up looking more like a smirk than anything else. “I think i got something in mind already, just don’t assume things.”

That was easy to say, but sometimes it was hard to believe that the things his brain said were not real. He was sure Jisung knew that. “Okay.” Chenle gets up and frowns when he feels the coldness in the spot Jisung’s hand had previously been, he missed it already. “Let’s go, everyone is basically done.”

Jisung nods and tries to reach out for the other but fails miserably because Chenle starts running away totally unaware of the other’s attempt. He looks around to make sure no one had seen it and then proceeds to run behind his friend to try and catch up to him as if nothing happened.

  
  
  
  
  


Everything feels heavier than it should. Chenle swore that never in his life something had ever eaten away his happiness in such a way. He’d wake up and all he could see was Jisung’s face behind his eyelids, and at first his chest would explode with fireworks at the mere sight of his best friend but then reality hit and smashed the pretty sensations in his body. Instead of butterflies and fireworks, all that would be left was the weight of knowing that he couldn’t run down the street and see the one person he could think about like he so much wanted to. He knew Jisung’s mother could return any time soon and if they got caught together things would only worsen.

To put it simply, everything felt like shit without Jisung next to him. And maybe he was too spoiled, always had what he needed and wanted, now that he had to suppress his desires like that the world didn’t feel good any longer. 

 

Chenle bounces the basketball against the old crosswalk and then, as a wave of anger fills his body thinking about the whole situation, the boy smacks the ball too harshly making it fly up high. It rolls far away with the strength of the impact as it collides with the ground. He huffs and sprints after it, tears of frustration form in his eyes but he cleans then with his sleeve and grabs the ball angrily as if it was accountable for everything going wrong in his life.

Playing basketball alone wasn’t nearly as fun, especially knowing that Jisung would much rather be there with him than stuck at home like his mother wanted. He throws the basketball against the basketball hoops with all of his strength and clenches his jaw as it flies far away from him.

“Damn, Jisung said you were good. I guess he was wrong, uh?” He hears behind him and jumps like a scared cat. The first thing his brain registers is Jisung looking incredibly uncomfortable, then just a few seconds later, it hits him that he isn’t alone. “I was surprised when he mentioned to me, you don’t exactly look… sporty.”

Chenle frowns,  _ What exactly is that supposed to mean?!  _ He thinks, and then purses his lips together tightly when he realises that the words had slipped through his lips against his will. He shouldn’t speak back to them, Jisung had warned him of it, but he couldn’t help but let the anger eating him alive grow with the way the boy was mocking him.

“Oh you know.” The boy walks closer and pinches Chenle’s cheek as if he was a child. “You’re quite chubby for a basketball player. Also, quite short, no?” He chuckles, then turns back to his friend as if asking for approval. Jisung shoots the what seemed to be the leader of their little group the fakest smile Chenle had ever seen, and that’s when Chenle truly feels like crying.

In many ways, he was grateful Jisung had always pushed him away when it came to meeting his other friends. He could clearly see they weren’t exactly the best people already from just the five minutes they had been there annoying him. “That has nothing to do with how good i am.” He mutters and starts walking away to grab his ball that stood lonely in the middle of the deserted field.

“Where are you going fatty?” The boy snorts just as he reaches out for Chenle’s shirt and tugs harshly. “You think you can walk away like that?”

Chenle looks back at him with big wide eyes, he couldn’t believe the audacity of the other. He drifts his eyes behind the annoying prick and catches Jisung looking up at the sky like he often did when he was about to cry, but instead of sadness Chenle can only feel anger grow inside of him once more. If Jisung was truly hurting to see his so called friend bully him like that, then he would try to intervene.

He knew he would, for Jisung he would.

“I need to grab my ball.”

“Oh no worries.” The dude grabs Chenle’s smaller hand and tries forcing it closer to the boy’s groin. “You got two right there!”

“You’re fucking disgusting!” Chenle shrieks while trying to let go.

“Oh c’mon, aren’t you gay? You must love this!” A malicious smile spreads across the other’s face making bile rise up Chenle’s throat.

“Let go of him, Junhoe.” Jisung’s husky voice sounds in the background. “Please.”

The boy, Junhoe if Chenle had heard correctly, turns around and quirks his eyebrows up. “Standing up to your little faggot friend, are we?”

“Let’s just go, we have better things to do.” He presses on, and at first glance Jisung seemed to be completely confident but for someone who had known him for almost his entire life, his best friend could clearly see the way his hand kept twitching every second or so. It wasn’t very noticeable, at least Junhoe didn’t seem to catch it. 

The boy turns to Chenle one last time with the same wicked smile on his face. “Well, i suppose i will see you around! Maybe we should have a match one of these days, what do you think?” He winks to the younger and chuckles when he’s met with a completely stoic poker face. “Enjoy playing alone.”

Chenle hugs his basketball tightly and bites down on his lip to force himself to suck up the tears that begged to leave his eyes. He refused to let them see him cry as if he truly cared for their words. It wasn’t that.

Seeing Jisung walk away with them just like that hurt more than anything Junhoe could’ve come up with. In the end, it had been his best friend that had managed to stop everything from going too far, but at the same time Chenle felt it had taken Jisung far too long. But, he supposed the anger that had build up over the weeks was clouding his minds and blocking his sympathetic rational side from working properly. He knew Jisung had a hard time speaking up, at that moment though, Chenle could only feel annoyance.

To feel such things for the person he loved the most in the entire world was one of the worst sensations he had ever experienced so far, it came hand in hand with how nauseous he felt that one evening where everything changed. Chenle just wanted to curl on his own body and cry until he felt numb.

And so he does. 

  
  
  
  
  


Chenle had never enjoyed silence. In a house full of energetic loud people, it was hard to get a moment of actual pure stillness. That night was the worst possible time for everyone to be gone, the house was pitch black, the quiet haunted him and anxiety crept up his chest without him even noticing. 

The dim light coming from the movie playing on his computer illuminated a portion of his room, but not enough to make everything feel less lonely. He turns the volume all the way up and leans back on the bed, if only he could take his mind of  _ everything.  _ Except that seemed impossible. 

He drifts his eyes from the screen towards his stomach that bulged out slightly, suddenly the movie becomes background noise, all his attention was on the little rolls of fat that threatened to slip through his shirt. 

His hand twitches then moves on top of his belly. Chenle lets it rest there for a few seconds, he stares down with unfocused eyes for a while before squeezing, softly at first, then slowly he begins increasing the pressure until his body begged for him to stop. 

He hisses loudly and lets go, an unexpected sob slips through his lips at the realisation of what he had done. Never in his life had he felt such hatred for himself, and he knew that allowing Junhoe have that much power over him was wrong and weak of him, but looking at his stomach right then and there was making him feel utterly disgusting. He couldn't help but feel that way, and that frustrated him the most. Much more than the fact that he couldn't just rip the extra fat out of his body like he had so desperately tried. 

The boy flops to his side, and almost kicks his computer to the floor in the process. He goes into fetal position with his pillow between his legs for comfort, then allows himself to pour his emotions out in the form of hot tears. They don't stop flowing, the silent house fills up with the sound of howling and sobbing, Chenle didn't care. 

However at some point the sound of a door clicking open echoes from downstairs, and so Chenle forces himself to shut up. “Hello? Lele, i’m home!” Yukhei’s voice spreads warm energy all over his body as if he had swallowed a pill for his pain, he couldn't be more grateful that the other hadn't stayed out too long out partying. 

He clears his throat and cleans his snot the best he could. “Hi!” Chenle exclaims feigning happiness the best he could. The sound of Yukhei coming up the stairs follows which meant he had to quickly fix himself the best he could and pray that the older was too tipsy to notice his crying face. 

The door creaks open just as Chenle finishes cleaning the remains of his dried up tears, he forces a big smile on his face and runs up to Yukhei with his arms wide open. His heart only seems to calm down when the older wraps his arms around him and gently rocks their bodies. “You've been crying.” He whispers suddenly making Chenle tense up. “What's wrong? You never cry.”

“It's nothing.”

“Le.” Yukhei huffs and flicks the top of the boy's head. “Talk to me.”

Chenle raises his head and stares right into Yukhei’s big tender eyes, he sighs deeply then looks down at his feet. “Am i chubby?”

“What?!” 

He grinds his teeth against each other, clears his throat and tries once more. “Am i chubby, Xuxi?” 

“What's this about?” Yukhei forces the younger to walk towards the bed and then pulls him onto his lap as if Chenle was a toddler. “Are people bullying you?”

“I dunno. Sorta? It was just once.”

“Once becomes everyday if you allow them to get to you. So stop thinking about it, they're not worth it Le.”

Chenle chews on his bottom lip then looks at the other with puppy eyes. “Can we workout together?”

“Why? Is it because you want to lose weight?” He asks and Chenle nods. “Is this what you truly want? Kid you're still so young, you shouldn't be thinking about your weight.”

“Well if i get stronger then i can defend myself better too!”

Yukhei opens and closes his mouth multiple times before letting out a loud snort and rubbing his forehead. “Fine. As long as you don't go on some crazy diet then i will workout with you.” Chenle beams at that but, before the boy managed to wrap his arms around Yukhei’s neck, the other stops him. “Promise me you won't act foolishly.”

“I promise.”

  
  
  
  
  


A wide grin spreads across his face the moment Jisung enters the bus. He looked quite different from the last time he had seen him, the boy’s eyes were covered with his overgrown black fringe that swung from side to side with every step he took. 

“Forgot to go to the hairdresser?” Chenle teases as his friend sits next to him quietly. “How has it grown that much in a week? I swear it didn’t look like that before.”

Jisung blinks back at him then pushes the hair back to show his forehead. “I don’t really now, i feel everything is growing so quick in general.” He lets the strands fall on top of his eyes again with a shrug. “You’re still tiny.”

“Excuse me?!” He shrieks and smacks the boy’s shoulder. “I’m still older, respect me.”

The other scoffs right in front of Chenle’s face. “Right, like i have ever done that.”

“Well maybe you should start!” 

“That’s not how our friendship works.” Jisung says before snatching his phone out of his sweatpants.

Chenle presses his lips tightly together, the question of  _ How exactly is our friendship anyways?  _ echoed inside his head but, in the end, he chickens out and leans back on his seat in defeat. 

  
  
  


One of the things Chenle was looking forward to the most was being with Renjun. They would call each other often, just to chat about random things that happened in their daily life, most times it ended up being the only thing that made it worth for him to get through the day now that he barely saw Jisung. Even though he didn't quite like showing it to anyone, loneliness was starting to become a constant in his life, slowly but surely Chenle hoped he would finally forget how life felt when Jisung was a major part of it so that he could feel like himself again. 

He just wasn't quite sure just how long that'd take.

“Done?” Jisung asks as he lets his body flop next to his friend, he looked as exhausted as he should be at the  _ end  _ of the competition. The dark circles under his eyes had always worried Chenle to death, and maybe if they didn't look like they just kept on worsening, then he wouldn't think much of it. But it was clear Jisung had lost the livelihood that he once had, he just wondered what exactly that evil woman was doing to him to make her son become a zombie. “Hello? Le?”

Chenle blinks twice before realising he bad zoomed out and then apologises quietly. “I'm ready, yes.”

The other gets up, swings his bag on his shoulder and waits for Chenle to follow him. “Going to look for… Renjin?”

“Renjun.” He corrects while trailing right behind his friend. Looking around, he wondered if Jisung would be up for a throughout search of the pool like old times, but the courage to ask if he was up for it seems to vanish as soon as he opened his mouth. 

“Yeah that.”

He never quite understood why Jisung seemed to resent Renjun so much, the boy had actually been nice to him since the beginning. It pissed him off to an extent, he just wanted the two people he cared for the most to get along. “Yes i will look for him, but i don't think coach will let me wander far.”

“Weren't you  _ oh so rebellious _ and would not care for the rules?” Jisung snorts. 

“Things change.” Chenle whispers and stabs his nails onto the fabric of his bag's strap. 

Jisung stops in his tracks for a split second before nodding weakly. “I guess you're right.” 

  
  
  


Unlike expected, just a few hours into the competition, the tension between them seemed to dissipate. Chenle wasn't quite sure how he has ended up on his friend's lap, but just like usual it had happened without either of them noticing. They had lost themselves in the midst of all the fun and carefreeness of it all, finally it truly seemed Jisung was relaxed and enjoying himself. That alone made Chenle radiate with happiness for it felt he could see the glimpse of the person he missed more than anything, it gave him hope that the old Jisung was in there somewhere. 

“Oh man he's always talking about this boy.” Chenle snorts and rolls his eyes. “It's so obvious he's into him, but Renjun is the dumbest person i know when it comes to feelings.”  _ Well, maybe second  _ he thinks but keeps his mouth shut. 

Jisung listens attentively, laughing and nodding along. It had been quite some time since they had a normal conversation like that, without worrying for a time limit or that someone would walk up on them. It was casual, without any sort of stress, and it made Chenle realise just how many things he had wished to tell Jisung but never gotten the chance to. So now that he had the chance, the words flowed out of his mouth nonstop like a fountain but Jisung didn't seem to mind. 

“So you think they'll get together.” 

“Absolutely. It's just a matter of time!” Chenle rubs his hands together. “One of them just needs to stop being stupid.”

Jisung seems to tense up at that, only then is that Chenle becomes aware of where exactly he was sitting. It didn't last very long but Jisung went very quiet for those quick seconds and Chenle worried that their serene little moment would end so soon. But it doesn't, Jisung hums loudly to bring back his friends attention and then drifts his eyes somewhere behind Chenle so that he'd look as well. 

He spots a very red faced Renjun walking in their direction and waves excitedly. After he and Jisung had started talking like old times, the idea of going to look for Renjun had been put by the side and forgotten, but even so he had hoped to be with his friend sometime later in the evening. It seemed he had decided to do the job himself instead, Chenle couldn't be happier to get the best of both worlds. 

Renjun’s view of Jisung hadn't changed much from last time, he wasn't aware of what exactly was going on between them. In a way, Renjun was an escape from reality, Chenle never spoke of what was bothering him because he wanted to forget, so when the older smirks noticing his friend was on Jisung’s lap, the boy worries things might get awkward very quickly. “Hey.”

“Hey, ready to kick some ass?” He asks and fistbumps Renjun. 

“Sure, sure.” His friend snorts and then eyes Jisung up and down as if scanning him. “So, you still hate me?”

“I never did.” The youngest mumbles awkwardly. 

Thankfully, Renjun doesn't open his mouth to make many snarky comments about them. Still, it was tiresome in many ways to be always ready to shut his friend up in case he decided to tease them. From then on Chenle promised himself to update Renjun on his life even if he hated speaking about it and throwing salt in the wound. 

At some point, Jisung makes a stupid comparison of Renjun to an angry toddler and Chenle can't help but bark out a loud laugh that startles the oldest — and makes him, once again, look like an angry toddler which  _ definitely  _ did not help Chenle’s laughing fit. “Dude, they’ll think there’s dolphins in the pool with that laugh of yours.” Renjun glares at Chenle who pokes his tongue out childishly in return

When the boy finally seems to calm down, Jisung turns to Renjun with a smug expression that could only mean one thing: he was up to something. “Where’s your boyfriend?” Jisung smirks and Chenle almost lets out another laugh.

“My what?!” The boy chokes on the cracker the had been munching on for minutes. “He’s not my boyfriend!”

“Oh, so you know who I’m referring to then.”

Renjun licks his lips and breathes in as if he was trying to hold back from strangling the other. “I’m guessing Jeno since your boyfriend over there can’t keep his mouth shut.” Both of them freeze on the spot, Renjun cackles at their reactions and shrugs. “Oh, my bad. You guys aren’t dating.”

Jisung snarls and pokes Chenle’s side so that the boy would leave his lap. “Try me.”

“I’ll strangle you, bitch.” Renjun wiggles his fingers  right above the other’s face.

Chenle slaps his friend's hands away and then reaches out to Jisung’s who had actually gotten up to fight the older. “He will, so sit down.” He giggles as he pushes Jisung back onto the chair so he can go back to sitting on his lap. “When do we have to go?” He asks, changing topics before the two boys went back to attempting to kill each other. 

“In an hour or so, my coach said I could go out and eat lunch so there’s plenty of time.” Renjun explains and takes a small bite on a new cracker. 

“Why didn’t you?”

The other shrugs. “I barely see you, I thought it’d be a good idea to spend some time together.” He admits making Chenle squeaks loudly as he throws himself on top of Renjun. “The chair is going to break!” He shrieks exasperatedly. 

“Fuck it! That was the lamest shit you’ve said to me in months.” Chenle places a loud kiss on the older’s forehead. “I thought you didn’t want to be with your team or something.”

“Get off me.” Renjun pushes him away. “Jisung might get jealous.”

The youngest snarls once again and points his middle finger dangerously close to Renjun’s nostril. “I will kill you, noodle boy.”

“You look like bamboo stick yourself.” Renjun rolls his eyes and scoffs. “Don’t know how Chenle hasn’t broken your bones yet.”

Chenle gasps dramatically. “Did you just call me fat?” He looks at Jisung and then moves his attention back to Renjun. “He might not be able to kill you by himself, but the two of us would. Don’t test your luck.”

Renjun throws his arms in the air in surrender before grabbing the cracker packaging and shoving it in the other two boy's direction as a peace offering. The youngest two, evidently, wouldn't say no to food and didn't think twice  before snatching it from him and devouring the entire thing mercilessly. 

  
  


Chenle watches as Renjun chews on his nails nervously with a scowl, he had tried slapping his friend's hand away so many times but it wasn't doing much since the other would go back to his habit without noticing it. “They look ugly now, good job idiot.” He scolds but Renjun just shrugs. “Why are you so stressed?!”

“I want to do well this time.”

“You always do.”

The other sighs loudly. “Not good enough.”

Suddenly, a hand comes into contact with his shoulder making him squeak embarrassingly loud. “What do you usually do for hundred meters backstroke?” Jisung butts in and then snorts at Chenle’s reaction. 

Renjun pouts. “I think my best was one minute and twenty or so seconds.” The older throws his head back and lets out a exasperated groan. “It’s seriously not good enough, I need to get better by at least ten seconds.”

His friend pats him on the back softly. “Hey, I believe you can do it! Fighting!” He cheers and Jisung mimics his action.

“Thanks guys, I wish you two lots of luck too.” Renjun smiles softly and looks down at his nails with a sad expression like he finally realised what he had done to them. 

Chenle pokes Jisung’s shoulder and quirks his eyebrow then drifts his gaze somewhere else. When the younger follows his eyes, he finds a bleach blonde haired boy coming in their direction. “Jeno.” He explains and giggles quietly. “I wonder why he's here uhm…”

The boy greets everyone in the room before walking closer to Renjun who was too busy staring blankly at the floor to notice what was going on around him. He pokes the other to make him snap out of it and then grins down at Renjun when the boy snaps his head up. “Came by to wish you good luck!” The boy exclaims. 

Jisung and Chenle turn to look at each other at the same time with a knowing smirk on their face. “Ah,” Renjun scratches the back of his neck. “So considerate, thank you.”

“It’s nothing! The whole team is out there waiting for you to swim.” Jeno points at the little window, there were lots of people from different teams gathered up at one side of the pool waiting for their teammates’ turn.

Renjun smiles brightly. “I hope I do well, I’m really nervous.” The gentle tone makes Chenle gag, he had never heard his friend act so sweet to anyone else. 

“Don’t be! Just do your best, this is for fun anyways.” The blonde shrugs and places his hand on Renjun’s bony shoulder. “I’ll get going now, fighting!”

As soon as Jeno leaves the room, Chenle throws himself on top of Renjun ready to tease his friend to death. “Awh isn't your boyfriend oh so supportive?” He coos while making kissy expressions right next to the other’s cheek. Renjun pushes him off and feigns annoyance but the tiny smile on his face gave everything away. 

“Get off me-”

“You like him!” Chenle exclaims in Mandarin so nobody else understood. “Admit it at least.”

Before Renjun could even open his mouth, the lady is calls out for their names ending their little teasing session. Chenle notices just how bad his friend's face falls when reality hits him once again and tries calming him down as they walk to their allocated lanes. “Seriously, this isn’t even a serious competition. Stop or you’ll pass out.” 

They split apart, Renjun being in lane two, Jisung in the fifth and Chenle in the seventh. The two friends wave at each other from afar to wish each other good luck one last time, the older seemed to be paler by two shades and that worried Chenle to death. He sighs to himself while warming his muscles up with a few jumping jacks.

The first whistle is heard, Chenle steals one last glance at both of his friends before jumping inside the freezing cold water. He gets into position and focuses his eyes on his flip-flops on the wet floor, the boy wasn't too worried about his score like his friend was. To him, he did swimming for fun and to get his energy out on something useful. So competitions never worried him much, though he sure liked to win something one day. 

Another whistle echoes inside the swimming pool, Chenle sucks in a breath before throwing himself back and diving in. The sensation of the water surrounding his entire body always managed to relax him, for the entirety of the race Chenle lets his mind wander while his limbs do the whole job. He thinks of just how happy he felt at that very moment with Renjun and Jisung near him, especially Jisung who he had missed so much. It almost felt unreal, as if feeling that content couldn't possibly be reality but a very good dream he still hadn't woken up from. 

His hand hits the wall, he makes a turn and looks to his side only to find Jisung already looking in his direction. It lasts for a split second before they both go back to focusing on swimming, except Chenle cannot let stop thinking about it, he wonders if the way his heart hammered against his chest was only due to how fast he was swimming or if there was something more to it. But, truthfully, he already knew the answer to that. 

He slams his palm on the wall behind him and lets his whole body relax for a bit before taking a peek at the results. First thing he notices was that Jisung had come fourth, a smile spreads across his face and he looks around to try and find the boy. “Hey bighead! Nice score!”

He dives underwater and swims towards the metal stairs, when Jisung comes near him he instinctively ruffles his friend's hair to show his pride for his result. The other lets out a breathy giggle at that. “You didn't do bad either, fifth!” The boy looks at the board again and his eyes go wide in shock. “Renjun is first?!”

Chenle gasps loudly and drags Jisung across the slippery floor so that he could go and congratulate his other friend. A crowd had already formed around Renjun when they get close, Chenle watches as everyone praises his friend with fondness. That day truly couldn't get any better. 

  
  
  


Next time his turn to swim again, Chenle expects to find a less stressed Renjun inside the waiting room, but he should've known better.“Hey!” He greets them all with a big smile. “How are you?”

“Renjun over here is a nervous wreck.” Jaemin, Renjun’s best friend, chuckles.

“When is he not?” Jisung teases and snorts when Renjun glares at him like he was ready to strangle him right in front of everyone.

He had never spoken much to Jaemin, however his friend talked about him a lot. As expected the boy was very social and well-spoken, it didn't take very long for them to begin chatting with ease as if they had known each other for year already. 

“Jisung over here, he does the front crawl!” Chenle explains to their opponents, he could see that his friend wasn't paying much attention though seemingly too busy looking at Jeno’s smug expression. He wiggles his eyebrows when they lock eyes just to piss off his friend and it works, as per usual. 

“Stop.” Renjun mouths but Chenle clearly couldn't care less, he had just  _ begun, _ he wasn't going to stop. 

The same lady as before calls them up, which means it was time for them to start heading towards the pool. He trails behind Jisung, and suffers because of his shorter legs. “You've become a walking tree.” The boy complains making his friend laugh. “Have i just inflated your ego? Gross.”

“Whatever midget.”

“Excuse you!”

Renjun’s team was right next to his that time around, he jumps into the water at the same time as his friend and wishes him good luck with the biggest smile he could manage. He then look ahead and notices Jisung crouching down right in front of him, it takes everything in him to act nonchalant to having his face so close. 

“Good luck, Le. Do your best!” The boy cheers cutely, and suddenly a wave of warmness takes over him. 

He nods and gets into position. Whenever it was a teamwork job he refused to slack off and let everyone down, so he breathes in deeply to get ready to do his absolute best. 

After the second whistle rings in his ears, everything just becomes a blur.  _ Arm in, arm out, hand pointing at the roof, arm in.  _ His mind becomes blank, though he still gets to savour the way the water ran against his skin with each stroke. 

He looks to his side, Renjun was getting away which was  _ unacceptable  _ and so he gathers every last drop of energy left in him to boost himself till his hand slams against the wall meaning it was all over. It turns out Renjun had come first again, he didn't quite know what had gotten into him so suddenly but seeing how praised he was being by his teammates was so wholesome that he doesn't question it too much. 

He watches the competition attentively next to Jisung, that is, until he catches a glimpse of Renjun stealing a glance at Jeno’s back as he swam. Obviously, he refused to miss an opportunity to tease his friend, so he moves closer and leans in so quietly that his friend hadn't noticed his presence. “Are you wet, Huang Renjun?” 

“Shut up Chenle, you’ll be swooning over Jisung’s arms once his turn comes around too.” Renjun spits out, his slightly red cheeks only made everything ten times more comical for the younger who doesn’t even bother denying his attempted roast. 

He pats Renjun’s back before moving next to Jisung who was already in position. “Give it your best.” Chenle gives him a thumbs-up. “You'll do amazing.”

Jisung scoffs and tries hiding his face. “Whatever.” He mumbles but Chenle could clearly see that the corners of his mouth had curled up, Jisung had always been awful at suppressing his emotions and it was honestly one of the most amusing things ever. That was probably why he had grown up to love teasing people so much, he had been doing it ever since he met Jisung and the boy had never snapped at him so that he'd stop. 

The next he knows, Jisung was diving inside the pool gracefully. Renjun was right, he indeed enjoyed the view of Jisung’s arms glistening with the water, and he wasn't going to look away even if he was being terribly obvious. He had spent so long trying to not stare for  _ too _ long, and now that he barely got to see Jisung, he regretted never taking in the details for those days where he missed him the most and would shelter himself in his memories. Except most times he couldn't even remember what the boy's face even looked like, that was when he realised he often avoided looking Jisung in the eyes for too long, and he had told himself he refused to be that way ever again. 

When he finally snaps out of it, his friend was mere seconds away from hitting the wall. He leans closer and chants his name the loudest he could until Jisung hand smacks against the hard surface, Chenle looks back to check their team's time and smiles brightly. “This is the best we ever done!” He exclaims and looks down at Jisung who reflects his expression. 

“Really?!”

“Yes! You boosted us so much, i owe you a dinner!”

Jisung quirks his eyebrow up and smirks smugly. “You better not be joking because i will remember you said that.”

“It's a promise.” Chenle whispers and extends his pinky. “Pinky promise.”

  
  
  
  
  


Except the promised dinner never happened.

In the end, Chenle had always known it was inevitable that they'd break apart with all the recent complications. It wasn't like they hadn't tried, at least he knew he had, but it always felt the world was against their friendship to the point of creating more obstacles whenever they managed around the ones before. It was tiresome. 

He supposed that was the biggest problem of it all, it was exhausting to keep trying, it made everything feel forced and unstable. Every moment he spent with Jisung would fly by in a blink of an eye he didn't even get to relish it before time was over. 

 

And so warmer times came by, the winter clothes were hidden away to be replaced by a bunch of T-shirts and shorts. The skies became clearer the wind warmer, the sun stronger, summer was just around the corner. Until then, Chenle had felt extreme excitement for that season of the year, it meant he could spend up to two months playing around with Jisung nonstop. This time around he didn't know what to expect, in fact he feared being stuck home all day alone with his thoughts. 

There was always the option of hanging with any other one of his friends or even Yukhei, but nobody was Jisung. That was his biggest dilemma recently, nobody made his cheek hurt from laughter anymore, nobody made his heart hammer inside his chest with joy, not with the same intensity at least. The nostalgia of the times before everything started going downhill haunted him everywhere he went, and all he could hope for was that with time the hurt would fade away and that he'd get used to the brand-new reality imposed onto him so suddenly. 

Chenle knew he needed Jisung to function properly, he had always been aware, but never to that scale. He could’ve never imagined just how pointless everything would feel in his absence.

 

As he stares out of his window towards the house parallel to his, Chenle can't help but wish he had never been born liking boys.


	4. try to revive it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like.... so unedited it hurts. I skim-read it but like quite frankly i just wanted to get it over n done with, ive been THIS close to finishing it for almost 2 weeks I WANT HER OUTTTTTT
> 
> anyways! ill edit this soon now im to schleep (its 1:20 am pls)

**C** henle didn’t mind being alone for the most part of his day as much as he thought he would. 

Yukhei would more often than not be outside hanging out with his friends — or whatever it was he did. Eric would come over every week, and he had never met up with so much frequency with Renjun as he did that summer. And whenever they weren’t physically there, Chenle would talk to them by either Skype or through messages. So in the end, he never really got to feel lonely or sad. 

There was also the house shores that Mr. Wong kindly asked him to get done which had doubled since Yukhei would leave his for Chenle to do with the promise of paying him back with money. And he sure as hell would not turn down the opportunity to gather some money for himself to spend as he'd like without the Wong’s supervision. 

So, for the most part at least, things weren’t as bad as he had forseen, and he couldn’t be more glad. 

  
  


The boy grunts and cleans his sweat slicked forehead using the back of his hand. His muscles hurt after using the lawnmower for only about twenty or so minutes, he had never noticed just how out of shape he was until then — Yukhei managed to get half of it done beforehand but Chenle was nowhere finished yet and he was already exhausted. The only thing keeping him going was the promise of being able to earn enough money to buy one of the games Mrs.Wong refused to get him, otherwise he would've already given in to his exhaustion long ago. 

He lets himself fall onto the green grass and takes in the warm sunrays, he knew he’d probably get a sunburnt since he had forgotten to put sunscreen on but that wasn’t enough of a threat to make his tired body move. Just a few minutes into his little sunbathing session, though, something catches his attention — any slight movement in their otherwise deserted neighbourhood was already enough to activate his fight or flight senses, especially with the recent robbery news going around. The boy perks up instantly and opens his eyes to look across the street where a slim figure stood, tall and dark, under the scorching sun. He doesn’t need to squint to figure out who it was, the urge to tease Jisung for dressing with all black clothes on such a warm day was almost unbearable. Yet, Chenle manages to keep his mouth shut by pressing his lips tightly together and swallowing down harshly.

They weren’t like that anymore, and the realisation makes his chest ache.

Jisung looks over in his direction and comes to a halt for a few seconds before adjusting his cap so his eyes would be covered and hurriedly moving down the street, Chenle can only stare as the boy fades away from his camp of vision with a pained expression. Jisung looked different, taller, broader, it was a reminder of just how long it had been since he had properly seen the other.

He gets up and goes back to mowing, he needed to take out his frustrations on something.

  
  


A loud knocking sound fills the empty house. Chenle closes his laptop and sprints down the stairs wearing one of his shoes on his foot and the other, that the boy carried by its shoelaces, swung in the air frantically. He opens the door with with the widest grin his face could muster and wastes no time before jumping on top of Renjun — which almost ends up with both of them falling onto the concrete floor. 

“GOOD MORNING!” Chenle shouts way too close to his friend’s ears. 

“Oh Jesus i might go deaf be more careful.” He grumbles but the frown soon gives way to a smile. “Glad to see you're energetic again.”

The overwhelmingly thick and warm summer air gets locked out as they close the door behind them. “Why of course, you're here. That's like, a miracle.”

Renjun snorts then falls onto the couch with a loud sigh of relief. “So glad it's fresh inside, i was dying with the heat. Think i left a sweat mark of my back on the bus’ seat.” Chenle grimaces and offers a cup of cool water to the other who promptly accepts it. “So Eric is joining us this time?”

“Yes!” The boy nods excitedly then sips on some water as well. “Enjoy the coolness of the house while it lasts because we are apparently going out.”

“Uh?!” Renjun lets out a loud disgruntled shriek, so loud that Chenle jerk forward in shock — almost resulting in his cup falling into the floor if it weren't for his quick reflexes. 

He lets out a breathy chuckle, chugs down the rest of his drink, and then unlocks his phone. “Apparently, to some sort of temporary amusement park? Not sure, he didn't give me many details to be honest.” He bites the inside of his cheek and turns to Renjun with a little pout on his lips. “That won't be a problem to you will it?”

The other frowns and, after struggling to find a proper place to let his cup rest (ultimately opting on simply putting it on the floor), moves closer to his friend with the kindest eyes Chenle had ever seen. “I was just shocked that's all. I don't care, we could go pick garbage or something and i’d still join you.” He scrunches up his nose. “I sound mad cheesy but like you haven't been very happy lately so if my presence helps then i’d do anything you'd like.”

“Never seen you so in touch with your emotional side, Huang.”

“Must be the heat getting to my brains.” Renjun smirks while patting Chene’s thigh. “Don't get too used to it.”

Chenle doesn't get to say anything for the next second the sound of the bell rings loudly and interrupts their little moment. He grins widely before sprinting towards the door. “Must be Eric!”

  
  


“You made us come here,” Renjun side eyes Eric who had a big wide smile plastered on his face. “to waste our money.”

“Not necessarily.” He flickers a coin and lets it fall onto the palm of his hand. “Won't cost much!”

“My ass! I know Chenle he's gonna get excited and spend his whole life saving on these games.”

Eric pats the other boy's narrow shoulder. “Le is super rich, doubt that'd be an issue bud.”

“Oh don't you bud me-”

“You guys literally met a few hours ago and are already bickering like you've known each other your entire life.” Chenle giggles then hands the two boys their allocated ice-creams. “What's this about?”

“Junjun over here thinks we will go broke if we use up some of our cash on what he calls ‘useless capitalistic games’.”

“First of all,  _ Junjun _ ?! Second, they are capitalist scum! I bet they're a scam and biased so that you cannot win and instead keep pouring your money in hopes that you will!”

Eric turns to Chenle with a look of desperation to which the other replies with a knowing smile. “Jun, you're just anxious. Breathe.”

Renjun huffs but nods nevertheless, deep down he knew Chenle was right. His brain had divagated too far. “Sorry.” He mumbles and plays with his fingers. 

“It's fine just don't waste your money if you don't wish to and try not to worry about how we spend ours.” He pets his friend's back soothingly. “You really lost yourself there, uh?”

When Chenle finally drifts his attention to Eric he finds the boy looking tremendously worried, he can't help but smile at the realisation that his other good friend had already taken a liking to Renjun. Not that he ever doubted he wouldn't, but seeing him actually care was relieving. 

“Let's go then.” He chirps and drags Renjun along with his arm around the boy's shoulders. “I refuse to leave this place without a single conquest.”

  
  


Renjun should've known better than to let Eric allure Chenle into drinking alcohol, he knew his friend had been repressing far too many emotions for months and all that did, as expect, end up in a very distressed Chenle as he poured all of the things he had kept to himself out nonstop. All they could do was watch as the boy strangled the teddybear he had won after God knows how many rounds of throwing sand filled bags at tin cans. 

“See if this thing was his mother-”

“Lele no.” Renjun sighs deeply and tries unlatching his friend's fingers from around the plushie’s neck. “You can't think like that.”

“Why not?! She would probably kill me if she could, just because i like boys.  _ Her  _ boy.” Chenle lets out an animalistic growl that makes the people passing by them turn their heads. “Sungie came out of her can you believe it?”

Eric crouches in front of the boy and tries to make him look into his eyes, but to no avail. Chenle seemed far too occupied with hurting the poor teddybear in any way he could as if it were a voodoo doll. “Hey, we promised to move on from this.”

“Do you even hear yourself?” Finally their eyes meet but all Eric could see was anger inside of them and it frightened him to see his usually calm and collected friend stare at him like that. “I've known Jisung for as long as my memory allows me to remember. I can't just  _ move on  _ i lied to you all so you wouldn't pull at my leg constantly. But you wanna know what's really going to happen? I will keep being miserable just because some homophobe thinks its in their right.”

Both boys stay quiet, too stunned to even speak. And clearly there were no words that could ease the pain the other was feeling. That was the worse part of it all, the only way to put an end to it would be to bring Jisung back, but that seemed almost impossible seeing how things were. 

“I'm not religious, you know i ain't. But sometimes i think this must be God's punishment for being…  _ this. _ ” He gestures at him whole body just as he begins to sob uncontrollably. 

“That's a load of crap! I doubt that if God exists He would create a being just to make it suffer, and plus He doesn't make any mistakes you are who you are because that's what He wants. If any of that is true, of course.” Renjun massages Chenle’s hand and with his free one wipes the tears that rolled down the boy's red cheeks. 

“I got a friend of mine’s that is very very religious but he isn't like this, yknow? His mother is just a stuck up bitch-” Eric hisses when Renjun smacks his knees then kicks the boy's backside as retaliation. “As i was saying, this is just who she is as a person. Do not feel like a sin or anything, no matter how hard she has tried to make you feel you are.”

Chenle sobs a few more times, then slowly his breathing begins to heaven out and he grows quieter. He lets his head hang low, as if he was thinking or just processing everything, and so neither of his friends speak. Instead they wait until the boy finally inhales sharply, seemingly gaining his energy back, and smiles — it was a sad frail smile but it was one nevertheless. 

“Damn, getting drunk really is something else.” He drags out his words lazily. “Wasn't it you Eric that suggested it?”

Eric chuckles awkwardly. “Yes.”

“Heteros really only know to fuck things up.” Chenle complains and looks at Renjun. “You didn't say no so don't think you're immune.”

Renjun cracks a smile and then tries helping his friend up so they could start heading home since the sun had already started setting behind the tall buildings. “Lets get you home, i will text you first thing in the morning.”

“I'm not baby!”

“You sure act like one sometimes.” Renjun grunts as Chenle shifts his whole body weight on top of him. “Eric you useless bastar-”

“Stop bullying me!” He whines and swings the boy's arms around his neck. “You two are unbearable.”

“I promise to not bully you next time we meet  _ if  _ you promise to check up on this baby tomorrow evening. I'll be out so i can't call him.” 

Eric nods but Chenle doesn't seem very happy with the fact that they were treating him as if he was a toddler. Not that he had much say in it, he knew his friends wouldn't stop even if he moved cities. Somehow they would still find a way to reach him to make sure everything was in order. And as much as being seen as a fragile being annoyed him, he couldn't help but feel grateful for the friends he had. Maybe God wasn't out to hurt him afterall. 

  
  
  
  


Chenle was never a very big fan of physical exercise, hence why Yukhei’s encouraging words often were the only thing pushing him through his twenty minute workout every Sunday. Though he had to admit that he quite enjoyed the way his body felt firmer each passing week, not only it gave him confidence boost but it made the boy feel he could actually smack someone and win. 

For self defence purposes only, of course. 

“Let's go Lele!” The older boy cheers. “If you feel your muscles burning then you're doing well, don't forget that!”

An embarrassing grunt escapes his lips, he didn't know how much longer he could keep that stupid plank position. He catches a glimpse of the timer flashing on Yukhei’s phone screen and sobs helplessly, there was no way in hell he could survive another twenty seconds of that torture. But it wasn't like he had much of a choice when the other was watching him so closely, shouting encouraging words every few seconds. 

When there were only five seconds left, Chenle’s arms were already wobbling like twigs in a windy storm, it takes everything in him to not collapse right there on top of the blue mat. 

“You did it!” Yukhei exclaims and does a little victory dance while the younger let out a series of sour complaints. “I think we are done for today.”

“You  _ think _ ? I can't even get up after this.” Chenle whines. He manages to turn so his stomach was facing the ceiling instead but his body seemed to refuse to move much more. So he lays there, as if he was a mummy. 

The older chuckles and sits next to him with a fond smile. “Are they still bothering u?" He asks gently with a hint of worry. 

Chenle shakes his shoulders. "They never stopped, Xuxi.”

Yukhei sighs deeply and pats the other’s thigh. “I know you can fend yourself now, but i’m still here for anything.”

“I'm not going to tell you to beat them up.” He cracks one eye open and snorts. 

“ I was just saying.” The boy puts his arms in the air. “That hypothetically-”

Chenle smiles brightly. “Tempting. But if that were to happen i’d rather have the pleasure to do it myself.” 

Yukhei gasps dramatically, covering his mouth with his hand to add more spice to his theatrical reaction. “My tiny, sweet baby angel! Since when are you so evil?”

“What is it that they say…” He hums and taps on his bottom lip. “Either you kill or get killed!”

“Ooor you ask your brother to do the dirty job for you.” Yukhei smirks, ruffles Chenle’s hair and then gets up. “But seriously, refrain from getting into trouble please.”

“You know i could never.” The younger shoots the other a toothy smile and closes his eyes again. 

He waits till Yukhei’s heavy footsteps fade in the distance before forcing himself to sit up, ahead his reflection greets him. A very red looking boy stares back at him, but Chenle could only focus on the way his cheekbones seemed more sunken than usual. And somehow, that makes a smile stretch across his lips. 

  
  
  
  
  


The ticking of the clock fills the silence of the house, everyone was away in their own activities which left Chenle home alone to his own devices. It was far too late to ask Eric to come over, and he knew both his closest friends were too busy with the awful workload that the teacher had imposed on them right in their first week back to Skype him. He had pondered if he should do  homework, but the moment he had opened his books, a headache had taken over him. 

So he closes them again and jumps onto the bed, face down pressing against his pillow in an almost suffocating manner. He feels empty.

_ Tick _ , truthfully he couldn’t afford to laze around when he had so much to get done but all the motivation to do anything productive had vanished with time. So there he lay,  _ Tock _ , doing absolutely nothing as the guilt took over his body like venom.

_ Ti- _ Chenle could feel his body doze off but, just as he blacks out completely, a loud noise breaks the silence and makes him flinch awake. 

He rolls on the bed and tries to find his phone with his eyes closed, which turns out to be a waste of time since his phone was laying on the table as he later finds out when he finally cracks his right eye open. The boy grunts and focuses all of his energy on swinging his legs out of the bed. He sits there, sleepily staring at his phone buzzing on the table, pondering if it was really worth it to get up and see who was calling him. 

Guilt gets the best of him, Chenle drags his feets across the floor and then, when he's finally close enough, takes a peak at the contact name glowing in the screen. He feels his fingers go numb and his throat dry up at the realisation of who exactly had disturbed his nap. Regardless, he accepts the call. “Yes?” Chenle swallows down the nervousness and closes his eyes to maintain focus.

“Chenle.” Jisung’s raspy voice hurt, made his stomach twist and turn in an ugly way, but he stays mute. “I’m so sorry, could… could you meet with me?”

“What for?” He tries his best to sound distant, but not exactlycold. Chenle knew the boy for long enough to know his crying voice, Jisung was clearly trying to force down his crying, and he didn't have it in him to be mean when the other was clearly hurting. “What’s wrong?”

_ Silence _ .

Chenle sits down on the floor, forehead pressing against his knees and eyes still tightly shut. He could hear Jisung panting on the other side of the line but the boy didn’t seem to be able to utter a single word, and Chenle didn’t dare pressure him to do so either. 

“I’m at the park, the one with the ducks. Please come.” He breathes out and waits till Chenle mutters an Okay before hanging up.

The boy stares at his baby blue clock with unfocused eyes.  _ Jisung, Jisung _ . That was all his brain could process in its hazy state. But he knew he had to get up from where he was sitting on the floor. He had said he would go, and no matter how hurt he was with Jisung he couldn't just abandon him like that. 

His eyes scan the room for his keys and slowly makes his way downstairs when he finally finds them on his bed stand. His limbs seemed to weight more than normal, whether it was from his still sleepy stage or nervousness or both Chenle couldn't tell but he refused to allow himself to overthink the entire situation. 

The warm hair hits his face as he steps outside. Chenle looks forward towards the house parallel to his and sighs deeply at the thought of Jisung crying. It was just a five minute walk and he was taking way too long to get there, the sun was already setting under the horizon and if he didn't hurry, Jisung probably would start thinking he wouldn't come. And he refused to let the other wander back home alone in the dark. The thought alone snaps him out of his daze, it was as if his legs began moving on their own. 

The streets were empty, it made Chenle feel even more lonely than he already felt. He spots Jisung far ahead, head hanging low and hands pressing against its sides, his shoulders shook, probably since he had begun crying. Chenle frowns and quickens his pace so he'd reach the other faster, the sound of his shoes hitting the floor must've caught Jisung’s attention for he stops shaking and visibly tenses up. 

Chenle stops just in front of the younger and stares at the messy black strands illuminated by the orange lightning just above them. “Lele?” Jisung’s voice comes out as a whisper, he can't help but shake at the nickname. 

“Yeah” 

Their gazes lock when Jisung finally gathers the courage to look up and Chenle has to resist the urge to reach out for him when he gets a better look of the boy's puffy eyes. His face, now filled with red patches and cuts, was a reminder of everything he had tried to avoid for months. It all hits him like a tsunami wave inside of him, he wants to puke right there and then, but somehow doesn't. 

“I-” Jisung starts but the words die off at the tip of his tongue. Chenle knew Jisung had called him by impulse, or habit. The boy had no good excuse to give him. But he doesn't bother telling him to shut up, in fact he wanted to see Jisung struggle as if he were a sadist. Maybe so, or maybe he wanted Jisung to feel just as miserable as he had been since they broke apart. “I'm sorry.”

Chenle keeps the same cold distant gaze while Jisung looks back at him with wet shiny eyes, threatening to spill more tears at any second. He feels pity, but that doesn't overthrow the hurt, so Chenle doesn't budge. 

“I miss your voice.” The older bites down in his tongue to keep quiet. “Please talk to me.”

“What for? I know you'll discart me the moment the sun rises.” Chenle spits out bitterly, his heart clenches when Jisung recoils slightly. “Want me to take care of the bruises?” He asks trying to make up for how harsh he was being. 

Jisung nods weakly and allows Chenle to drag him away without a single protest. When the older's back is turned to him, silent hot tears begin running down his face as he stares at the hand  wrapped around his wrist. 

“Where…” Jisung chokes out and prays that Chenle wouldn't turn around — out of all the times the other had seen him cry, he knew he had never looked as messy as he did then, the thought of Chenle seeing him like that was unbearably humiliating. 

“My place. They won't be back till later.” Jisung opens his mouth to speak again but Chenle beats him to it. “I'll make sure your mom won't see you.”

Jisung thanks him quietly and tries his best to stop crying as well as wipe the evidence away. Chenle stops just a block before their neighbourhood and faces Jisung.

“Just.. Put your hoodie on.” Chenle reaches out for the other with shaky hands. “Crouch down and stay on my other side, I'm sure your mom doesn't hate me to the point of constantly spying on me but…”

The other nods and does as he's told. They walk in pure silence, the only noise that could be hear was of their soles hitting the floor, and maybe the way their heart hammered against their chest anxiously. Relief washed over them as soon as the door clicks closed and then a wave of nostalgia hits Jisung straight in the face as he looks around. At first it was only the familiar smell making him tear up, but then as he followed Chenle around, anything he laid his eyes on was making flashbacks play right in front of his eyes. And if he were to say he didn’t miss everything, he would be a liar.

It’s then that Jisung really realises just how much he missed the older, simpler times where he could be with Chenle whenever he felt like.

“Sit.” Chenle demands and points at the sofa.

Jisung watches him carefully, like a hunter analysing its prey. The dim light coming from the bathroom where Chenle had picked the first aid kit highlighted his soft gentle features in such a beautiful way that it made his throat close on itself. And there it was, that feeling that he kept suppressing, begged once again to be freed. “Thank you.” He whispers and gulps when he sees Chenle pour a bit of hydrogen peroxide onto a round pad.

The boy comes so close that Jisung could count the individual eyelashes that fluttered prettily every time Chenle blinked, he looks at the other cross eyed from. the proximity as he presses the pad gently against the recent wounds on his face. Jisung hisses and scrunches up his nose, Chenle can’t help but chuckle at that. “Cry baby.” He mumbles before going back to paying attention to Jisung’s scratches scattered all over his face.. “It’s done.”

Jisung lets out a long sigh and sits back on the sofa, eyes closed from exhaustion. Chenle spares him a glance and puts the tools back in their place while trying his best to ignore the heavy feeling inside his chest at the thought of Jisung being so near. It had been so long, too long. 

He comes back to the living room, unsure of what to do next. “Why?” He asks nervously, Jisung cracks one eye open to look at him. His face falls when he realises what he’s being asked. 

The boy sits straight while never breaking the eye contact with Chenle. “I won’t burden you like that.”

“I think i deserve to know.” Chenle looks down at his feet.

The boy rubs his cheek and nods. “Right, but i can’t explain everything simply. Not in a way you’d understand properly.”

“Then tell me everything, Jisung. Why don’t you trust me anymore?!” He snaps and then softens right away. “I just want to move on properly, you’re allowed to be happy and i’m not? Why?”

Jisung gives him a look of disbelief. “Happy?!” Chenle rolls his eyes at him. “I’m not happy Chenle what are you on about.”

“You’re like begging for me to snap at this point.” He scoffs. “You got this new squad going on or whatever, i see you all smiles with them. Do you think i’m blind? Whenever i see you, which is once every a blue moon, you’re all giddy. You’re telling me you’re sad? Please spare me and just tell me what i did so wrong for you to throw me in the trash.”

The other looks at the him with his mouth wide open in both shock and disbelief. “You’re acting like people can’t pretend. Or have outbursts of happiness.” Jisung mutters as he drags his nails across his forearm. “Believe what you want, i’m not here to play the victim that’s not what i want.”

“I’d appreciate if you’d just tell me things, Jisung. I don’t give a damn if you act like the victim or not. I just want to know.” 

Jisung licks his lips, the wheels inside his head buffer just as he tries to speak. Chenle knows Jisung was blocking with the pressure, but he wasn’t going to let the opportunity slip away like that. He wouldn’t let Jisung walk out of that house without an explanation that would let him forget, or at least let the wounds start to heal. 

“I don’t know Chenle, okay? I didn’t notice it happen until i tried to speak to you and you turned away, i didn’t notice i distanced myself to that extent. It just, happened.” The words flowed out of his mouth non-stop. “And then the next thing i know i’m stuck with this group of friends that aren’t really my friends because i can’t talk to them about anything serious and i lost the one person i trusted the most because i gave up on trying. I didn’t notice! I didn’t notice i had given up on being your friend because it was exhausting to keep it a secret. I just, didn’t notice.”

Chenle blinks away the tears forming on his eyes and shakes his head sadly when Jisung stands up to walk towards him. “Sit back down, Jisung.” The younger nods, but frown on his face was only making Chenle feel worse about it all. Maybe if he knew Jisung was okay with it all too, then maybe it’d make it easier to move on. “So what? What is it that what you want?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know anything.” Jisung cringes but doesn’t deny it. “Is it really exhausting to be my friend?”

“It’s more exhausting to keep pretending to be someone i’m not.” He admits as he plays with his fingers nervously. “I miss you, i do. I’m sorry i’m a coward.”

Chenle throws his head back till it hits the wall behind him. “Why didn’t you tell me? Fuck, Jisung, do you love making things complicated?”

“I don’t! That’s not it. I thought you hated me.”

“I do.”

Jisung gapes back at him in surprise. “Oh.” He finally lets out. “That’s…”

“But i care for you, or do you perhaps think all those years of friendship could be forgotten in a couple of months? Do you think i look at you and see hatred?” Jisung nods. “I don’t, you idiot. I forget you hurt me like you did, because you’re still Jisung and i love you.” He confesses without thinking twice about it, but it didn’t matter. Chenle knew Jisung wouldn’t fully grasp what those words meant to him. 

“I don’t deserve you.” Jisung hides his face with his hands.

Chenle finally leaves his spot and walks towards the other, he sits on the floor right in front of Jisung and places the palm of his hand on the boy’s knee. “Yeah, maybe you don’t. But i’m still here if you need me. So please talk to me.” 

“I don’t want to burden you further.” 

“Oh please.” Chenle groans and forces Jisung to take his hands away from his face, he sighs when a single tear falls onto the boy’s jeans. “Just spill it out, that’s what friends are for.”

Jisung tries to stop his bottom lip from trembling by biting down on it. He stares at Chenle in silence trying to figure himself out. “You really want me to?”

“Jisung-” Chenle rolls his eyes and moves his hands upwards so he can cup the boy’s face. “I will kick you, I swear i will.”

The other giggles, the smile that spreads across his face makes him look ten times more beautiful to Chenle who can’t help but smile as well. “Okay, but not today.” Chenle’s smile fades away giving place to a pout. “I gotta go home before my mom panics.” Jisung places his hand on top of his friend’s and tilts his head. “Text me, we can find a time to meet up. I’ll tell you everything then.” Chenle nods enthusiastically, the idea of hanging out with Jisung makes his heart swell with happiness.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It had become more common for him to dream of other things than the same old empty building. Sadly, that had not been the case that night. 

The sigh of disappointment that leaves his lips as soon as he opens his eyes echoes inside the house. Jisung doesn’t bother to find a way out, he had given up on that far too long ago. But just as he was about to turn to the infamous cross high on the wall, he catches a glimpse of something unusual.

He knew the entire area like it was the back of his hand, every shadow, every crack on the ground and wall,  _ everything.  _ So when a shadow that he was sure had never been there before stands at the far right corner of the building, Jisung can’t just ignore it and leave the dream like he had planned. Who knew, maybe it was his way out of there once and for all. Even if the idea of the shadow being something horrifying ghosted in the back of his mind, hope spoke louder.

So he starts walking, very slowly and carefully to not make much noise.

Suddenly, the shadow moves and, though very slightly, it was enough to make the boy suck in a breath as his heart begins hammering against his chest. He tries to steady his breathing as well as his heartbeat before starting to tiptoe forwards once more, even if his body felt it was made of gelatin, Jisung refused to give in to his fears. Inside his dreams it always felt he found far more strength than in any other aspect of his life, perhaps because of the promise that none of it was real and instead a creation of his own dark mind.

Still, the fear was very much real. He could feel his body begin to sweat the closer he got to whatever was waiting ahead of him. Then, as if light was shed upon the area, the shadow becomes a person. Someone who Jisung hadn’t dreamt about in quite some time, someone that made his heart squeeze so tightly that it began to hurt.

The boy grunts and slaps his hand on top of his chest, he becomes lighthearted soon after as he finds himself unable to breathe properly. Meanwhile Chenle stares, empty eyed as if he was a robot and nothing more. “Le.” He wheezes out but the other doesn’t budge. “Please.”

“Chase me.” Is all Chenle says, cold and demanding.

“But i’m not feeling well.” Jisung swallows down harshly _.  _ It felt like there was something stuck in his throat making it impossible for oxygen to pass through and even with his pathetic attempts at pushing whatever it was down with his saliva, his efforts were useless. “Help me, please.”

The other blinks slowly then begins walking away. “If you don’t chase me, i don’t care.”

“Chenle!” He croaks out before dragging his knees across the rugged floor with the last strands of energy left in his body. “I really can’t chase you, not like this.”

“Selfish.” Chenle spits out after turning around to face the younger again, his eyes lacked any sort of warmth. They were cold and lifeless, just like his the tone of his voice. “How can you always be so selfish. I made one simple request.”

Jisung drags himself further but just for a meter or so before his limbs lose their strength making him collapse. “It isn’t a simple request.” He whispers. “It really isn’t.”

Chenle crouches down next to the other boy’s limp body and looks down at him with a look of pure hatred. “If only you cared enough.” He glares one last time before standing up and disappearing in the darkness of the room. No matter how much Jisung’s eyes wandered about it seemed the boy had vanished for good.

A sob rips through his chest and soon hot tears wet roll down his cheek like waterfalls as well. Through all of the misery, he still finds the motivation to raise his head one last time to search for the cross so he could get everything over and done with, though he wasn’t sure that the way those flames burnt his body were much of a relief that time around. 

The pain wouldn’t vanish when he’d wake up, he knew that much.

  
  
  


Scammed. That's what he had been. And the worst part was that he didn't realise it until they arrived in front of an unknown house instead of Eric's. 

“What's going on?”

“Don't get too angry-”

“I already  _ am. _ ”

Eric chuckles awkwardly and rubs the back of his neck. “I knew you wouldn't come if i didn't lie… But i really needed to come to this party.”

“A what now?!”

“Party?”

“ _ Party?! _ ” Chenle squeaks, his already white face turned ghostly looking at that. “Whose?!”

“Felix’s.” His friend mumbles quietly. “But Chenle! My crush will come it's my opportunity! And i couldn't have come all by my myself! “

The other glares at him,  _ hard.  _ “Technically-”

“But i’d look like a loser!”

“Which you are.”

Eric huffs, Chenle knew he was riling him up too much but it was his well-deserved payback. “Will you please go with me though?”

“Oh  _ now  _ you're asking?” He asks, utterly baffled. “What am i supposed to do now that doesn't involve getting inside of Felix’s house? Uh?”

His friend plays with his fingers awkwardly, the embarrassment had coloured his cheek in a shade of pink which only made teasing him ten times funnier. “So that's a yes?”

“It's a ‘you better repay me for this’ more like it.” Chenle rolls his eyes but can't help the fond smile that appears on his face. “You better kiss your crush tonight to make this worth it.”

Eric straightens his back. “Yes sir!”

  
  


It doesn't take very long for him to spot Jisung, though it would be a challenge for most. The boy preferred to stay in the corner hidden away with his dark clothes, blending in with the shadows so to not be bothered. That was the most Jisung thing Chenle had witnessed in quite some time, and that made him feel somewhat happy. It meant the boy he used to know was still in there somewhere and didn't vanish entirely like he feared. 

He doesn't approach him, he doubted Jisung would want it anyway. His friends would be nearby, watching his every move, and so the boy would've probably tried his best to hide the fact that they still spoke to each other. Chenle knew he shouldn't assume such things, but the truth was that Jisung had done that quite a few times before they parted ways, it'd be humiliating to go through all that again. 

“Lets get really wasted!” Eric exclaims excitedly to which Chenle responds with a frown. “What now?”

“One of us should stay fairly sober.” He sighs just as he snatches one of the cups from the table. “Which obviously is going to be me, so enjoy getting wasted.”

His friend pouts but nods nevertheless, he knew Chenle was right so there was no point in complaining. Eric grabs the cup and sighs just before chugging it all down in one go. “Tastes like fucking shit.” He grumbles and searches the table for something he could eat to make the awful taste in his mouth vanish. “These cookies are terrible too.”

“Whiny.” His friend teases as he leans against the wall.

Meanwhile Eric was too busy getting shit faced Chenle decided that his job for the evening was to find the girl that had made him be in that situation to begin with. Though, much to his dismay, she didn't seem to be anywhere in the room and so his eyes would always drift back to the one person he wished to ignore the presence of. 

“Can't you just drink a bit?” Eric presses on. “It's so boring to do this all by myself.”

“I didn't even agree to this.” Chenle gestures to everything ahead of him, then turns to the other and rolls his eyes once he finds Eric batting his eyelashes in an a failed attempt to lure his friend into drinking as well. “God you're so annoying.”

He does grab the cup, but he doesn't drink it all in one go. Rather, he chooses to take little sips to entertain himself with something as well as do as the  _ baby  _ (read: Eric) wished. 

  
  


One thing Chenle had completely forgotten was his weak alcohol tolerance, and after his first cup became empty; he filled it back up again so he could entertain himself by continuously sipping on it. Eric would disappear for long periods of time, so what could he do apart from drinking? Everyone else was too busy dancing, flirting or eating each other’s faces and there was no one to talk to since none of his friends had tagged along. 

So there he was, now sitting on the stairs, head feeling dizzy and blurred vision, cursing Eric in every language he knew. God knows where he could've been, maybe he had already managed to hit it off with his crush. And as much as he would feel happy for his friend if he had, he couldn't believe Eric had waisted his perfectly good friday evening like that. 

“I'm not doing anything here.” He grumbles and pulls out his phone. There was a last option to cure his boredom after all. 

“Le!” Someone calls out for him just before his index touches the call button. “There you are! Been looking for you.”

The boy looks up and finds Eric grinning brightly at the bottom of the staircase. “I hate you.” He spits out then kicks his friend's ankle when he comes closer to him. “These have been the worst two hours of my life.”

Eric stops in his tracks and pouts. “Fuck, I'm so sorry.” 

“Can we go now?” Chenle whines while frantically rubbing his face to stay awake. 

“Actually-” The other starts and then lets out an awkward, quiet laugh when his friend glares at him. “I need just one last thing.”

“Holy shit you're gonna have to pay me so many dinners after this i hope you're aware.” 

 

If Chenle didn't love Eric the way he did, chances were he would've simply called Yukhei to pick him up instead of following with the (quite stupid) plan. It was so cliché, and he couldn't believe he was partaking in such a thing, but to Eric's drunken mind it seemed like he most genius plan ever invented. 

News flash, trying to get your crush jealous by pretending to be into someone else is, in fact, counterproductive. 

Eric refused to listen to reason though. 

“Okay she's there.” The boy whispers and then latches his hands onto Chenle’ hip so they could swing their bodies in synch to the slow music. “You have to pretend to be into this, you do know that?”

“I'm aware.”

“Then stop rolling your eyes.” 

“God i hate you so much.” He says with the best fake smile he could muster at that very moment. “I can't wait to beat the shit out of you when we get out of here.”

Eric barks out a laugh. It was loud, and quite frankly, over the top. But Chenle supposed that was all part of the plan to get the girl's attention in their direction. “You sure are romantic.”

Just as he was about to open his mouth, Chenle catches a glimpse of a dark silhouette in the corner of his eye. When he drifts his eyes from Eric's face in the direction of it, he finds Jisung staring at them with an expression that lacked any kind of emotion. It was scary, he could barely recognize the boy when he looked like  _ that,  _ in his head Jisung was still gentle, definitely not scary looking. The person staring at him sent chill down his spine, and not the good ones. 

He swallows down and goes back to looking at Eric who looks back at him with a puzzled expression. “It's Jisung.”

“Oh damn double kill.” He wiggles his eyebrows and leans forward. “Ready?”

“Not really…” Chenle sighs. “But i won't ever be so just get it over and done with.”

His friend nods then moves his hands upwards so they're cupping Chenle’s cheeks instead, they look at each other for a split second before Eric moves closer and crashes his lips against the other’s. The kiss itself wasn't  _ bad,  _ but knowing that the person he was making out with was not the one he wanted was painful. Especially knowing said person was probably witnessing the entire thing from afar. Chenle swore he could feel the piercing gaze burn the sides of his head, and suddenly the only thing he could see behind his eyelids were Jisung’s dark eyes staring back at him. 

Shame flows through his body alongside the alcohol. The combination triggers his body to reject any of Eric's touches making him feel sick to his stomach with each sensation. Chenle pulls away just as bile rises up his throat and fills his mouth, he presses his lips tightly together to prevent anything from coming out then bolts up the stairs towards the bathroom before the second wave of nausea hit. 

In a twisted way, Chenle feels as if he was not only vomiting his dinner but the clog of emotions he still stubbornly kept to himself. He keeps on going, even when there was nothing more to puke out, until his becomes too tired to do anything and flops against the wall. 

The boy wasn't sure any amount of dinners could ever repay him anymore. “Eric, you bastard.” Chenle manages to croak out before blacking out entirely. 

  
  
  
  
  


It had become usual for the younger to call Chenle at ungodly hours to ask if he could come in, and each time the other didn’t have the guts to deny the request. He never asked questions either, not even when Jisung came looking like a total train wreck just like that time around — in fact, he had never seen the boy look worse. His lip was busted and his face adorned with shades of purple and blue, it worried him. As much as he’d like to pretend he didn’t care about Jisung’s questionable late night activities, his heart still squeezed whenever he would show in front of his house looking like a stray dog. 

"So you and Eric.” Jisung blurts out as Chenle dabs the cotton on a fresh cut right in the middle of his left cheek. 

The other tenses up at the mention of his friend and his brain begins screaming for him to deny any assumption Jisung might've created from what he had seen in the party. But then again, he didn't owe him anything.

"What happened this time?" Chenle asks as he pours a bit of betadine on a round pad. It was a desperate change in topics, but he didn't really care if he was being obvious. In fact, that'd give Jisung the same taste of bitterness of having secrets kept from him.

Jisung blinks back at him taken aback from the random question. "Oh uhm." He observes his knuckles and chuckles awkwardly. "Last week Hujoo thought it'd be a good idea to steal from this store and we got away with it but apparently the owner installed cameras recently and he didn't know about it."

"And he didn't go to the police instead of beating you to a pulp?!" He picks Jisung’s big hand and grimaces while analysing the wounds probably caused in self-defense. 

"Nah nobody goes to the police anymore." The boy snorts and then cringes with the pain. "Plus, it was a store in the bad side of town. The police would favour us."

Chenle hums and continues disinfecting the bloody knuckles carefully. "I see." He mumbles, hoping to sound disappointed enough to make the other feel guilty of committing such acts  _ over and over  _ again. 

"So." Jisung clears his throat. "Eric?" He presses on once again and it takes everything in Chenle to not roll his eyes in front of the boy. 

He throws the dirty pad on the floor and grabs a new one slightly more violently than planned. All he wanted to do was yell at Jisung that he had no right in being nosy when about his life, especially love one. 

_ I don't owe you anything. I don't owe you anything. i don't owe you anything. _ "It's nothing." He answers dryly. "It was awkward. He moaned his crush's name mid-kissing." Chenle forces out a laugh and doesn't dare to actually look at Jisung. 

"Oh damn." Jisung giggles. "Sorry about that."

"Doesn't bother me much, i guess." He grumbles and quickly fetches all the tools scattered on the floor around him. "I'm finished, you can go home now."

"Chenle-" The boy tries but the older had already turned his back to him to put the box back in place and didn't show signs of wanting to come back to the living room. 

Jisung watches with sad eyes as the other head upstairs. Sooner or later he knew he'd have to leave, but part of him wanted to hang onto those precious minutes they'd spend together whenever Chenle took care of him. It was as if he left that house, he'd lose his friend again, so he lays down and presses one of the pillows against his chest as hot tears drip onto the leather couch. 

Everything around smelled of Chenle, and that both consoled his soul as much as it stung. A loud sobs rips through the silence, it echoes inside the house and then fades into nothingness. Jisung shoves his face against the pillow’s surface and allows himself to cry, on and on, until his body felt numb. 

Then he heads home. 

  
  
  
  


There was a time where Jisung thought he was capable of suppressing all his emotions, store them in a little pot and throw it into the vast sea. He thought it was possible to lose his memories if only he tried, except the pot always returned to the shore and it landed right in front of his feet.

That was when he learnt that the only way to let go was to free everything going through his mind instead. And lately there was far too much he wished to say that he felt unable to let out, whenever he was with Chenle it was as if his throat closed on itself clogging all the words that should've been shared inside of his body. He felt himself swell up over time with unspoken words as time passed by. 

So he figured, if he couldn't voice them, then he'd write them. 

Jisung opens his laptop and looks at the white empty page on the screen. He extends his fingers slowly and lets them hover above the keyboard, mind blank as he tries to find a way to start things or to figure out what exactly he was going to say. Putting it all into words seemed like the hardest task ever, Jisung wished he could be more articulate when it came to his emotions. But there he was, the least he could do was give it a shot.

**_Lele,_ **

“No.” He grunts and deletes everything.

**_Chenle,_ **

“Too formal?”

The boy hides his face with the palms of his hands and stomps his feet loudly on the floor with frustration. He had no clue how he was supposed to do things, he had promised himself he would get it over and done with but there he was.

**_I don’t know how to start this._ **

He tilts his head,  _ was that a bad start? _ Even if it was, Jisung thought he should just stick with it.

**_I don’t know how to start this. Maybe with a Sorry? I think I owe you many sorrys, Chenle. I’m so terribly sorry that my own problems caused so much hurt inside of you I never_ **

“It doesn’t sound genuine.” Jisung smashes his head against his desk lightly enough that it wouldn’t hurt too much. He wanted to give up, but giving up was what caused him to be in the mess that he was so desperately trying to amend. Lack of perseverance, the root to most his problems. “Why is it so hard?” He grumbles.

It shouldn’t be hard to express himself, in fact shouldn’t it be easier since only he knew how he felt? But did he? In the end he didn’t know himself more than anyone else did. He hadn’t even noticed his emotions till it was too late, hadn’t noticed how actually miserable he was until he took a step back to realise how different everything was without Chenle’s presence. So  _ really _ , how could he know what he was feeling? He couldn’t.

Jisung gets up and walks towards the full body mirror near his door. He sits down cross legged in front of it and stares at his reflection as if it was foreign, like he hadn’t been staring at it for the whole of his life. “Who are you?” He says out loud and watches as his mouth moves. 

He keeps staring as if what he was seeing hypnotized him, Jisung deep down knew he probably looked crazy but couldn’t care enough to snap out of it. All he wished for was that his mom wouldn’t walk up on him talking to himself.

“Jisung.” He locks eyes with himself and analyses every single detail. “Which Jisung?” The boy’s lips twist nervously, the question he had swallowed down for so loud finally had come out of his chest. “Which version of yourself is here, now?”

Jisung closes his eyes and flops onto the carpet. He felt lonely, because it didn’t feel like he had himself anymore either. So no Chenle and no Jisung, what he had was the carcass of someone he used to be but wasn’t anymore. That’s who present Jisung was, a mere corpse.

  
  
  


For the next few days, Jisung tries to find whatever form of old memory he had laying around in hopes of triggering a wave of creativity to arise inside of him. He manages to find fo a collection of photos of him and Chenle that his mother had carefully hidden away from him, Jisung was surprised they hadn’t been just burnt already.

He opens his laptop and puts it on the floor next to the mess of old photos and drawings sprawled across the carpet. “Finding my old self. okay.” Jisung mumbles to himself. Last night, when he had tried writing once more and failed, the boy had given the internet a chance.  **Finding your true self** a random website’s headline read, and so there he was – admittedly, that was not the best way to seek answers, but he was far too desperate to care. 

“So I got my old self here.” He opens the folders on his computer with old memories and scrolls through the pictures and videos. It was mostly from him and his mother on their little vacations. They did very little to him. Jisung could only smile here and there at a dorky picture that had been taken of him but apart from that it felt like a way too distant memory that almost held no meaning.

Jisung furrows his eyebrows. That made no sense, at least whenever people speak of good times they’d usually bring up family vacations. He feels a shiver run down his spine, a realisation perhaps. But he didn’t want yet another questions to figure out so he muffles the little devil's voice before it got too loud. 

He opens the Chenle file and feels his entire body tense up right away, he hated going on there. It suffocated him to think of what used to be and wasn’t anymore. The innocent smiles disturbed him, he felt pity. “You have no clue do you.” He stares at the younger version of himself back-hugging Chenle, head on his friend’s shoulder and bright smile on his face.

Nostalgia builds up inside of him the more he saw, Jisung swore he could feel a stinging pain in his chest whenever a video would play. It felt as if he was right there with them. Jisung had never felt such an overwhelming emotion in his life.

He closes the laptop and instantly catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, the sight makes him cry. “This is so stupid.” The boy sobs while staring at his crying face, watching as it grew puffier and redder. “So stupid and useless.”

Jisung lets his body collapse onto the carpet with exhaustion. He had calmed down slightly but, the moment his opens his eyes, he’s met with a Polaroid of him and Chenle laying nearby which only makes him sob even louder. “If I could talk, if only I could talk.” 

“Fuck it.” Jisung opens his laptop again and goes back to staring at the blank page. He decided he couldn’t do it the conventional way, so something else had to be done.

The boy scans his room and stops at the shelve filled with books, he drops his eyes down again to the screen as a smile spreads across his face. If he couldn’t write a personal letter speaking of himself, explaining directly about his life, then maybe all he had to do was project himself.

It could be a total failure, but Jisung was willing to try. He just wanted Chenle to understand.

  
  
  
  
  


The stinging cold coming from the metal bar coming in contact with his clammy palms makes the boy hiss, but soon enough he gets used to the sensation. The realisation that he found himself in yet another dream hits him when he looks ahead into nothingness, all that he could see was his own body and the metal bar ahead of him. His feet dangled in a pitch black sea, he kicks the air trying to feel something but there was nothing there, it was as if he was flying. 

Except the second the metal bar begins fading, Jisung finds himself losing his capability of staying steady, and when the cool surface disappears entirely he can only fall and fall. He doesn’t bother to scream or call for help, after so long of dealing with terrible things the boy had begin to create an ability to stay calm in most situations. As far as he knew, if he hit the floor at the speed he was going, he was sure to die. Which in result would mean he could wake up and then rest properly.

The floor never comes, instead the pitch black becomes a slideshow for videos that Jisung quickly figures out were memories that he had stores away in parts of his brain where it became impossible to reach. Memories of when he was a little baby, seeing his mother smile down at him and caress his face. Memories of his first time playing with other children. Memories of the man he supposed was his dad for his nose was far too similar to his to be anything else. And then, of course, memories of Chenle. 

He could not ignore just how many there were flashing across his eyes, memories that he had forgotten entirely just like the moment they had first met. It had been so long ago, far too long. But he could see it crystal clear playing like a movie just in front of him, all around him in fact. A tear floats in the air and rises up high till he can’t see it anymore. Soon many more follow as the memories continue to roll until they reach the present, pitchblack swallows him whole once more.

Jisung shuts his eyes tightly and takes one deep breath. He only feels a sharp pain in the back of his head and tailbone just before snapping his eyes open once again and finding himself inside his room once more. 

  
  
  


Storms scare him. Honestly speaking, many things scare Jisung but…  _ storms _ , storms were at the top of that list.

The boy studies the view outside through window, the deserted roads, the cloudy skies, the rain pouring down wetting everything on sight. And then, every few minutes, a loud roaring noise would make his whole body shake in fear. Jisung drifts his eyes back to what was before him, the light coming from his computer screen blinds him temporarily. He hoped that writing would keep his mind far too busy to care for the tumult created by the frenzy going on just outside, and when it came to choosing between which was most important, dealing with his fear of storms or his inner conflict, he certainly preferred the latter. 

Somehow, stupidly, it was scarier than any storm he had ever had to deal with though. 

His hands tremble when another loud roar is heard in the distance. It sounded like an angry lion, when he was a kid his mother would often say “Jesus is angry with you, Jisungie. What did you do?” and as much as he knew she said it jokingly, he’d try to figure out what he had done wrong to make Him that mad. So mad that He felt the need to shout at him like that.

It was dumb, Chenle would chuckle. But those dumb little things were so ingrained in his head that he couldn’t help but think about them time and time again. He couldn't help but question himself what had he done wrong that time around. 

Another roar. Jisung grabs his headphones and tries to blast music, but no matter how much that muffled the noise, the vibrations still could be felt all over his body. The boy sighs, he wished he could call Chenle to take his mind off it. But he wasn’t ten anymore, and he had to deal with it by himself now. “I can do that.” He whispers after exhaling shakily. 

Suddenly a hand falls on his shoulder making him shriek just as he slams the laptop shut. “What are you doing?” His mother asks curiously and looks at the computer then back at her child. “Why did you close like that?”

“It’s not what you think.” Jisung blurts out. “Really, I’m writing an essay. You just scared me that’s all.”

She smiles and caresses the boy’s cheek gently. “Came to check up on you, I know how much this weather scare you.” Jisung hums uninterested. “Anything you need I’m downstairs, yeah? Don’t need to act tough.”

Jisung gives her a forced smile and nods. “No, no it’s okay. I think I’m getting less scared of them.” The boy lies right through his teeth, but he really just wanted his mother to leave so he could continue writing. Even if he knew it was right he saw no other way to prove that he didn't need her care, otherwise she would've stayed there the entire evening and hold him back from getting any work done. 

“Okay! Good to hear.” The woman bends down and places a kiss on Jisung’s forehead. “Don’t skip dinner, I know essays are important, but even then eating comes first.”

“I won’t.” He says dryly while waiting for her to finally leave again.

The moment the door slams shut, the boy let’s out a long sigh. He twirls his chair and then faces the window once more, still the same depressing sight. He squints his eyes and observes the house parallel to his, Jisung swore he could see Chenle’s figure behind the curtain.

A wave of sadness hits him. The weather wasn’t helping either and suddenly all he wanted was to just lay down and do nothing, so he saves what he had written and shuts his computer off before jumping onto his bed and slowly drifting away with the sound of the droplets falling against his window.

  
  


“Mom! I’m going out.” Jisung yells just as he opens the door.

His mother’s head pops out from the kitchen door. “Where to?”

“Church.” He mumbles.

“Oh okay sweetie! Don’t be out too long.” She waves him off with a massive grin on her face.

Jisung walks slowly, each step seemed to cost him massive amounts of energy. The weather was still gloomy, it had been weeks like that and it wouldn’t stop. 

For the thousand time since he had begun his little project, Jisung found himself with little to no inspiration to write. His body had been begging him to go out for hours and there was only one destination in mind.

He didn’t really know why, for consolation maybe. Or maybe the stupid idea that God was still mad at him that had only been re-enforced due to all the storms happening in a row had finally got the best of him. It didn’t really matter, he just wanted peace of mind. If that meant going to Church by himself for the first time in years then so be it.

 

The tall familiar building stretches ahead. Somehow it looks different than when he would be forced to visit it every Sunday,  _ prettier  _ even. Jisung thought he was going mad, it had been a long time since he last felt connected with anything that involved religion.

It’s quiet inside, most people wanted to stay home in such bad weather conditions so that came to him as no surprise. He greets the old man that would always be there before sitting at the very back before finding a place for himself. The boy sits there in silence admiring the architecture, he never really bothered with such futile things before but suddenly that was more interesting than anything else. Though, that was probably because of the fact that if he dared look around while everyone else prayed on Sundays his mother would probably reprimand him. So he never had the time.

He analysis the big cross ahead and then closes his eyes. Memories of those awful nightmares flash across his eyes, but only for a short while then his mind seems to calm itself down as the smell of incense fills his senses. Being inside that glorious edifice felt comforting, not home-like but still comforting. Almost as peaceful as when he would lay with Chenle in silence. The resemblance makes his eyes become wet with nostalgia but, for once, he doesn't bother to block the intruding thoughts. He had gone there to get some peace of mind, and maybe thinking about what was clogging his emotions would make things better.

Jisung considers confessing to the priest for two quick seconds before discarding the idea away. He hadn’t sinned, it wasn’t a sin. No matter how much his mother would press that it was, Jisung couldn’t understand why God would create someone and then label them as sinful for something He had decided. The revolt inside his head when it came to liking Chenle  _ like that  _ had vanished. It couldn't be a sin, Chenle wasn’t a sin.

But then again the mere idea of  _ him  _ being gay was still very scary. There was his mother, his family, people, society, everything. As much as being with Chenle brought him happiness everything else just looked like an awful disadvantage.

He puts his hands on his head and contains the sigh that threatens to leave his lips. His head hurt, there was too much swimming in his head at the same time. From  _ Am I gay?  _ To  _ What emotion is this?  _ And no one was giving him answers, because no one had them. The worst part of it all, really, was that Jisung knew he had to figure it by himself.  _ What if I’m not right? _

The boy presses his head against the back of the seat in front of his and covers his face with the palms of his hand. He couldn’t believe how easily it was to let himself cry it all out, but somehow that place felt less suffocating than his own home.

  
  
  
  
  


Days go by and turn into weeks which become months and finally Jisung could look at his computer screen with a prideful smile. His hard work had paid off in this end and it was right there, waiting to be printed and given to who it belonged. 

He closes his eyes and sighs in relief, but then realisation hits him. The stress of finishing the present had been so consuming that the boy hadn't really thought about the reaction he'd get and the implications behind the promises he had made in it. 

One was especially making him feel sick to his stomach. Leaving the current group of friends to go back to Chenle and the others was so frightening that, for a second, Jisung pondered not giving the other the book. But he refused to throw all his hard work down the drain just like that. 

The boy twirls in his chair which ends up stopping right in the direction of his mirror. His hair was poking in all sorts of directions from Jisung tugging at it whenever he'd get a writer's block, it was a miracle that he hadn't gone bald from all the abuse he had done to his poor scalp. Apart from that though, he supposed he looked more lively than a few months ago, and he was quite sure that could all be attributed to the increased amount of time spent with Chenle. 

The realisation makes him feel pathetic. Knowing that he needed someone else to function properly wasn't something to be proud of, it held him back from many things. As if no matter how much he ran away, a string would always pull him right back to the boy. It was a frustrating thought, especially when Chenle reminded him of the sort of questions he so desperately tried to avoid. 

“Enough.” He whispers to himself and turns to face his computer again. 

Jisung admires the first page, he wondered id Chenle would appreciate all the effort and sincerity poured into his work. The little devil sitting on his shoulder insisted that the boy would not even bother reading, and like most times the little devil managed to silence the angel that desperately tried to make him see things with some sort of rationality. Still, he refuses to succumb to the pessimism and instead clicks the printing button. 

With the sound of pages being flipped and the rhythmic ticking of the clock as background noise, Jisung inevitably ends up losing himself in his thoughts once more. 

  
  
  
  


Patience was key, but patience runs short after a while. And Jisung had been waiting about an hour for the front door to click closed, and yet it seemed his mother refused to head out to work for whatever reason. 

The boy slides his back against the door with a loud sigh. “C’mon.” He cries out. The longer he waited, the more his brain managed to convince him that giving that book to Chenle was the worst idea ever. Jisung was tired of telling his own brain to go fuck itself, all he wanted was to sprint right across the road and shove the damned thing in his friend's hands as soon as possible. Was that really too much to ask for? 

“Jisungie!” His mother calls softly. “I will be going now, i left dinner in the fridge.”

He cracks his door slightly open and peaks out. “Thanks mom!” The boy forces a smile onto his face then watches as the woman heads towards the door at snail pace — or so that's what it felt like to him. 

“I won't be home till after midnight so when i come back i better  _ not  _ find you awake.” She smirks. “Bye now.”

Jisung waves her goodbye then stares attentively as the door closes behind her. The moment the infamous click echoes inside the house, the boy lets out a sigh of relief and holds his stack of papers tightly against his chest. “Let's do this.”

Before heading out, he stops by the kitchen to chug down an entire cup of water — and almost spills half of it on the floor from how badly his hands were shaking — which he hoped would prevent him from blacking out midway through the street. Though he doubted a bit of water would be of much help versus the gigantic amount of insecurities that just kept on building up each passing second. 

When he feels ready enough, Jisung turns the door’s handle and doesn't stop walking until he's already facing the other boy's front door. It's only then that reality falls like a cold shower, and anxiety bubbles inside his chest once more. Except he doesn't really get to turn away for the door opens wide showing exactly who he was looking for behind it. 

They stare at each other in shock then, slowly, Jisung extends his arms to do what he had come there to do. Chenle lowers his gaze from the boy's eyes towards the stack of papers and then back up again, this time with a confused look instead of a surprised one. “What's this?” He asks quietly. 

Jisung breathes in sharply and clears his throat. “Please read it. That's all i ask.” The boy swallows down thickly and analyses Chenle’s face to see if he was about to get dissed or not. But the boy stands still while reading the first page in pure silence, and even if that was better than anger, it still didn't ease Jisung’s worries. 

“I will.” He nods, a ghost of a smile on his lips. “Read it, i mean.”

The younger beams with overwhelming happiness and gratitude at that, he couldn't care if he looked like an idiot anymore. “Thank you.” Jisung rubs the palms of his hands against his jeans as they had become extremely clammy. “I should head back now.”

Chenle nods once more, it seemed words were not his forte that day — technically they hadn't been for quite some time. “Goodbye then.”

  
  
  
  


Chemistry always managed to make Jisung feel like the dumbest person alive. It all seemed so easy if he memorized what he had to, except whenever he tried answering the questions in his homework everything would end up being wrong somehow. 

He whimpers. It was more than clear that no work could be done that evening and there was just no point in even trying, so he gets up and jumps on top of his bed in defeat. But unlike he so much wished, Jisung doesn't quite get to rest his brain. 

At first it wasn't clear to him if he was dreaming already, but when the knocking became louder and angrier, the boy finally opens his eyes. He ponders the possibility of laying there until the person left, but they sure sounded adamant to being let it and there was also the chance that it was his mother that had forgotten something urgent. 

Jisung stands up and makes his way to the front door like a small child that could barely move its limbs in a coordinated manner. He manages to get to his destination and yawns just as he opens the door. 

“Fucking finally.” Chenle grumbles. “I've been here for like ten minutes.”

“What's so urgent?” Jisung asks quietly. 

The other clicks his tongue then fetches something inside the pocket of his jeans. “I wanted to give you this before i decided against it.” He admits. “Goodbye.”

“Wait-” But Chenle was already sprinting back home and Jisung knew he was far too sleepy to run after him. 

He looks down at the neatly folded paper and toys around with it for a few seconds before closing the door and going back inside his room. The paper lays there, right in front of his eyes waiting to be opened, but Jisung finds himself too scared to know what its content was. He knew he had to open it at some point, and that the longer he ignored its presence the more he thought about the possible words Chenle could've chosen to use. 

In a quick, slick move, he snatches the paper and opens it. 

 

_ Fulfill your promises, then i’ll know you mean it.  _

 

_ Ps: Nobody hates you, idiot.  _

 

The boy smiles so big and for so long that his cheeks begin to burn. The relief of knowing his worst fear was nothing but a mere creation of his own insecure mind brought him utmost joy. 

Jisung rolls in his bed a few times and then lays still staring up at the ceiling. He pondered how much Chenle had read, definitely a quarter  telling by the little note. The worst, deeper part of the story was yet to come. He felt naked with his secrets so out in the open, it took a lot of reassuring that Chenle wasn't judgmental to prevent a possible panic attack. And even then, sometimes, he got fairly close to it. 

He holds the note up high again and bites his lip. This meant he should keep his promise and leave Junhoe’s little group, which therefore meant he would become a loner in his own class once more, except this time it's be even worse as he could not pretend to be invisible. He knew the others would not let him breathe for one second. 

Thinking about it all makes a shiver run down his spine but promises were promises, and ultimately he knew leaving them would be beneficial. He wouldn't need to pretend to be someone he clearly wasn't, he wouldn't need to get beat up for things he didn't even want to participate in, and above all, he could get his best friend back. 

He grinds his teeth together while staring blankly at the ceiling. Chenle hadn't given him any sort of deadline, but Jisung knew the more he pushed it back the less confidence he would have to get it over and done with. And the mere possibility of ruining his chance of becoming friends with Chenle ever again suffocated him. 

“Monday.” The boy says, loud and clear, then nods to himself. “Monday it is.”

  
  
  


He inhales sharply just as he sets foot inside the school. Today was different. Not that anything had changed, but his body already felt it had entered another dimension. As if everything surrounding him was different, though the only thing that had changed from last week had merely been the way the boy decided to view the world. 

His hands tremble ever so slightly by the sides of his body. Jisung had absolutely no clue how he was going to approach everyone that day, if he should ignore Junhoe or tell him straight up that he didn't want to remain friends. Either way he went about with his plan, it wasn't going to be pretty, so it didn't really matter. 

Doesn't take a very long walk to find them, their loud and proud voices fill the entire hall as they speak. Jisung feels nauseous all of a sudden, he pauses to take deep breaths and remember why he was just about to put himself through hell, and then he proceeds. 

“Yo Jisung!” Hujoo calls out to him and suddenly it was as if his muscles had no left-over energy in them. He keeps on walking, not knowing what to do nor how to react. “Sung what the fuck dude are you deaf?”

The boy sighs loudly. Ignoring them wouldn't do anything, he doubted they'd let him off without a word so he turns to face the group of boys and bites the inside his cheek nervously. Junhoes playful expression was just as scary as if he had been glaring at him, he knew he was about to get roasted to his very core. 

“Don't speak to me ever again.” He spits out, the boys’ eyes go wide in shock. But not Junhoes, it was as if he expected it. “I don't want to have anything to do with you guys anymore.”

“What are you even saying?”

“The fuck, that's so random?”

“What? Did mommy say you couldn't see us anymore?”

Junhoe barks out a laugh and rolls his shoulders. “It wasn't his mommy.” He smirks then cocks his eyebrows up. “It was his boyfriend.”

“He's my friend.”

“And he's a fag.”

Jisung’s hands turn into fists at that, he was more than tired of hearing those same words leave the boy's mouth repeatedly. “Don't say that shit.” He says through gritted teeth. 

“Or what? You really think you are strong enough to beat me up?  _ You? _ ”

“Strong enough to break your mouth.”

“Ow” He fake coos and turns back to his friends who force a chuckle simultaneously, Jisung could see the way their faces dropped the moment Junhoe’s back was turned to them —  _ Hilarious _ , he thinks. Finally he wouldn't have to live like that anymore. “He'd get beat up for his boyfriend.”

“Whatever really, i don't have time for your crap anymore.” Jisung says before turning around and walking away. He knew that wouldn't be the end of it, not even close to it, in fact he was shocked Junhoe hadn't grabbed his shirt and punched him right then and there.

 

Usually walking all by himself in the school halls would make him feel uneasy, anxious even. And even though he was awfully jittery because of what he had just done, he didn't feel the overwhelming crushing of anxiety falling over him like usually. He actually felt relief, a massive weight had suddenly been lifted off his shoulders just like that. It was so relieving that it actually managed overshadow the anxiety, it truly felt things were going to be okay.

Not that day, nor the day after. But maybe in a near future, maybe things would turn out to be the way he'd like them to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last chap will take ages to finish, just a lil warning beforehand *clown emoji*

**Author's Note:**

> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/aquadons)  [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/ultraviolentae)


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